


Overcoming a Fear of Scorn

by adashofinspiration



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Hurt/Comfort, Kozume Kenma Changes their name, Lets pretend that Japanese teenagers are legally allowed to drive cars, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Kozume Kenma, POV Kozume Kenma, backround Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 09:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30002811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adashofinspiration/pseuds/adashofinspiration
Summary: “Kuro, I’m sorry for not telling you what’s happening with me. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with.. anyone. If I was going to tell anyone anything important happening with me, you will always be the first one I go to.” I couldn’t see Kuroo’s face from where I was crooked in his chest, but I could feel his whole body become lighter.“That means everything to me,” he whispered in my ear.Kenma has always been different, feeling lost and alienated around the other kids, all except for Kuroo. This is the story of them growing up, falling in love, finding themselves, and then having to deal with it at Kuroo and Bokuto's apartment.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 11





	1. The Convergence of Two Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm so glad you're here! I know I said I'd get this up months ago, but it's here now! I'm so excited to share this piece because I spent multiple months writing it and also many hours editing it. I worked really hard on this and it was something I really needed to write as a nonbinary person so I really hope you enjoy it! I would also like to thank my friend James for beta reading this, you're advice really helped thank you!! All in all, I really hope you enjoy this and I hope you have a great day :)

From the very first time I entered a classroom, I knew I was different. I didn’t know how to talk to the other kids, and they kept staring at me funny. I never knew what I was doing that brought on the unwanted attention. They stared as if I was some awful disease, and I wanted those looks to be gone. Sometimes, they’d try to talk to me, but my poor social skills got the better of me. I could easily look around the room and figure out how everyone else was feeling, but actually trying to keep in time with their social rhythms myself was too difficult; so obviously, they didn’t like me. My overthinking was no help either. To get rid of them, I kept my head down, focusing only on my game boy. I did everything I could to take up as little space as possible, to be unnoticeable to the point that people forgot I was even there. 

This was exactly how I liked it. Some kids would still pick on me, but I had no choice except gritting my teeth to get through it. They never said anything false, for the matter. This was how my lonely life was spent, up until the new neighbors moved in. 

When they first moved in, I didn’t notice much. The new neighbors never properly introduced themselves to us, so we did not know who they were. My seven year old curiosity was tempted to knock on their door and find out, but I did not have it in me to be stared at like a foreign creature when I didn’t have to be.

Luckily, I did not have to wait long. A few days after they moved in, I noticed a boy in their little backyard who had the messiest hair I’d ever seen, and he was playing with a weird looking ball. That day, I stared out my window for a little bit, daydreaming about who he might be and what that ball might be for. I even daydreamed about him being my friend, but I knew that was impossible. He would surely just think that I was weird like all the others. Days more passed like this, looking down at him from my window as I played pokémon. I dreamed about all the fun things I could do with a friend knowing full well they were just that: dreams. 

On the fourth day of this, he never came out. I couldn’t help but be dismayed, but I just assumed he was off doing something else, with friends, maybe. He didn’t come out for another five days, and when I finally saw him again, he looked much worse for wear. Even from my high perch, I could see pain in his eyes. I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but I didn’t know how. He didn’t even know I was there. I sat there, seemingly scrutinizing him, begging my brain for something that I had the guts to do so I could just find out if he was okay. 

He surely felt my laser beam eyes, because he was soon looking back up at me with a tentative grin. I was completely startled. I tried my best to smile back at him, but that never worked. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t just force a smile. Because I was too concentrated on successfully smiling at him, I didn’t notice him leave, and I had no clue where he went. I knew he probably went back inside, thinking I was pathetic. Typical. Disappointing, but typical. 

A few minutes later, I heard a knock at my bedroom door and I groaned. I did not want to see some friend of my mom’s. I just wanted to figure out what happened to that boy. When my mom opened my door, I found that boy standing behind her leg instead, and I felt relief to know he did not just disappear, but also the horror of having to talk to him. I instinctively curled into a little ball, taking up as little space as possible, hiding the best I could in that moment. He would surely hate me, and I was not ready for that.

“Kenma, this is your new neighbor, Kuroo Tetsurou. He told me he saw you through your window and he was wondering if you would like to play volleyball with him,” my mother told me. Kuroo was peeking out from behind my mom and giving me a shy smile. He stared at me hopefully, but also with a sense of defeat as if I’d never play with him. As much as I disdained physical activity, I knew that feeling so well it ached, and each rejection from my preschool days stabbed my heart in a way I can’t describe. They still haunted me. I also felt surprised at the fact that this boy actually wanted to play with me of all people. 

People always stayed away from me, but now this kid was seeking me out, and it made me feel good.I wondered if my dreams of friendship would really come true, or if he would get bored of me. 

“Okay,” I answered as I stood up and stuck on my sneakers. Kuroo’s face instantly lit up and his eyes sparkled with glee. 

“Yes! Let me show you how to play. Come on,” He exclaimed. As soon as I finished tying my shoes, he was about to grab my hand and surely start dragging me down the stairs when he noticed the fear in my face. He must’ve realized how overwhelming his behavior was to me because he instantly tried to calm down a bit before rushing down the stairs and calling to me. 

“Come on!” I calmly exited my room and descended my stairs to find him waiting for me at the bottom. 

“Do you want to play in my backyard or yours?” he asked. I thought about it for a second before coming to the conclusion that mine was bigger, so it would probably be best to play in mine. I was feeling a little overwhelmed with everything, though, so I just grabbed his wrist, took him through my kitchen and took him out my back door. 

Once we were out on the small plot of grass that was my yard, he started showing me the basics of volleyball. I was perplexed about how you could possibly never grab the ball, but Kuroo was not deterred. He showed me how to receive it a few times, and after a few tries, I managed to do it once. I did not manage to do it again that day, and I was growing tired rather quickly. I did not want to lose my friend, but I also really needed the rest.

“Kuroo, I’m tired, can we go inside now?” I asked him. He was a little startled when he looked over at me. I think he saw how exhausted I looked, and he conceded.

“Okay, is there anything fun we can do in there?” he asked. My eyes lit up deviously as I grabbed his wrist and dragged him to my bedroom. I let go as soon as we were in my room and ran to my T.V, flipping it on along with my Nintendo 64 and sticking in Mario Kart 64. Kuroo was silent for the most part as I did this, but he looked at the tv in wonder as soon as he saw what I was doing. 

“Mario Kart,” I simply told him as I handed him a controller.

“Cool, how do you play?” It was weird to me that he didn’t know how, though I was really just happy that I had someone to play with, so I explained anyway. In the end, I beat him every single time, but he did not do bad for it being his first time playing. 

We continued to get together and play volleyball and video games over the next few days, but then, he just disappeared. I thought that maybe he was just busy again, but I was still deeply scared of him possibly just abandoning me. I looked in his yard each one of those days to see if he was there, but there was no sign of him anywhere. I drowned myself in video games to distract myself. Even when I was that young, it acted as my escape. 

When I finally saw him again, I was delighted. I was tempted to dash down the stairs and greet him, but my fear of him not wanting to play with me again prevented me from doing so. Luckily, he looked up at my window and waved to me, beckoning me to come down and play with him. I quickly nodded to him before slipping on shoes, trampling down the stairs, telling my mother where I was going, and leaping out my front door and around the bend into Kuroo’s back yard.

“Kozume! Let’s play!” he exclaimed. I tried to give him a small smile in return to show him I was enthused, but I really just ended up with a funky face. He laughed a bit at it, and I felt terrible. 

“What was that?” he asked. I looked down at the ground, avoiding looking at him. I felt shame for not being able to just summon a smile, unlike the other kids. 

“... It was supposed to be a smile,” I mumbled. I think he noticed how dejected I looked and he knew he made a mistake. 

“Oh. I’m sorry, can you not smile? I thought I saw you smile the other day...” Kuroo asked innocently. I sighed as I tried to figure out the right way to explain this. I was seven, so the matter was not easy.

“I can not smile if someone else tells me to, or if I tell myself to. I can only smile when something makes me really happy.” Kuroo still looked a little confused, but he just nodded and accepted it. I felt relief that maybe, maybe, he would just accept it. 

“Okay, you don’t have to try and smile for me all the time.” I just nodded in relief. If this boy accepted me for this, maybe I could just be myself around him without worrying about seeming normal. I was not sure yet, but I knew I would figure it out soon, although he did disappear on me, so that’s doubtful. I needed to know if he really just did not like me, so I was up front and I asked him about it.

“Where have you been?” I asked. He immediately jumped a bit before regathering his bearings. Then, something I did not expect happened: he started to tear up. 

“I had to...hide up in my room... because my parents would not stop fighting,” he told me while his eyes watered. I was perplexed. Why would his parents fight each other? Weren’t they supposed to love each other? I was overwhelmed and I did not know what to do, so I did the only thing I knew how to do: I raced into my house to grab some tissues before racing back out. When I found him, he looked even more distraught then before. 

“Kozume! I thought you’d left me for good! And that would be terrible because you’re my only friend!” he yelled. He was now full on sobbing. For what was probably the first time in my life, I felt intensely conflicting emotions. I felt deep seated fear and regret for making him feel like this, but I also felt immense joy at being called his friend. I sat down next to where he’d collapsed onto the ground and handed him a tissue. 

“I’m sorry.” My voice was very quiet and small, but despite that, I think he could see how much I meant it. I started to cry a little too at the thought of making someone else feel like that. We spent the next few minutes on the ground crying and attempting to comfort each other until we had enough composure to play volleyball. Unfortunately, we did not have enough time to play video games before our mothers called us back home for dinner that day.

As we spent more time together over the years, we grew much more comfortable with each other, and our bond deepened as well. We always walked to and from school together, and we spent many hours together throughout each week. He even convinced me to join our primary school’s volleyball team. It was a lot of work and not my favorite thing in the world, but it meant my mom wouldn’t push me to do some lamer activity to get out of the house that also did not involve Kuroo. Seeing Kuroo enjoy it so much made me feel a little better. We helped each other too. Kuroo made sure that I wouldn’t get bullied and he helped me feel safe. I was stuck sitting at home worrying over him in his absence before he got the ladder. From age ten on, he could take the ladder he kept in his closet and bridge it between our windows, then climb across to my room while I held it and spend the night at my place. I became ‘Kenma’ and he became ‘Kuro’, and we became inseparable.


	2. Fashion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Middle School Kenma grapples with fashion, self expression, and a deep seated fear of scorn.

I’ve never liked fashion. I usually wore whatever was most convenient or comfortable, and that was just fine. I never understood it either. How could bright green sneakers ever be more appealing than simple ones?! I guess most people never felt my hunger to blend in. They didn’t have others staring at them all the time because they were somehow different, or just for being the quiet kid. Blending in was my best defense against stares, so I did that the best I could. 

I never liked getting dressed up, either. Nice clothes just felt so stuffy and uncomfortable to me and I could never pinpoint why. The only nicer clothes I wore on a regular basis was my school uniform out of necessity, and even that felt tight and suffocating. I was always pulling at my shirt and playing with the collar until the fabric started to wear out. This attitude was completely normal for a young boy, but this started to change right around middle school. 

The boys my age started to try and follow trends. When I was eleven and Kuroo was twelve, he bought some fancy Nike sneakers and showed them off to me the next day. The money was from his allowance, and he was proud to have worked hard enough to buy those shoes. I was mostly surprised that he did not buy something volleyball related. 

“Hey Kenma! Look at my new shoes!” he called to me as I was walking out of my house. He was on the sidewalk in front of it waiting for me. We were headed to the park to practice volleyball that day as we did every Saturday. We quickly grew out of our small yards, so the park became our practice spot once we were old enough to walk there by ourselves. I quickly glanced down at his shoes, and I was a bit shocked at what I saw. On his feet was a pair of obnoxiously bright blue chunky basketball shoes with a weird strap instead of laces. In short, I did not know how to process what I was seeing. 

“Kenma, don’t you like them?” he asked as I took my place next to him. He looked down at his feet gloomily before moving on, almost unphased. I never cared about fashion up until that point, so there was no reason for me to care now. I was just confused by it. Nothing about those shoes was appealing to me, and I started to ponder about what those boys saw in those shoes that I didn’t understand. Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else? It would’ve made my life so much easier, but I had long known that wishing for such things was no use. 

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asked, pulling me out of my dismal thoughts. I nodded and continued to play my game as we walked. I needed to beat this gym leader and get to the Pokémon league for the fifth time, although Kuroo’s shoes were definitely a distraction for a minute there. I lost a battle that I surely would’ve won if I was not distracted with all of that.

“Are you sure?” he knew I was lying and was definitely put off about it. I sighed in resignation. It was nice that Kuro knew me this well, but it was also annoying when I did not want him to know how I was feeling. 

“I don’t understand fashion, and I wish that I could and be like everyone else,” I mumbled. His eyes widened a bit and he rested his chin on his hand as he thought through my statement. 

“Kenma, being different is what makes you special. You should try and embrace it more,” Kuro told me as he ruffled my hair (At this point in our lives he was almost a foot taller than me and I hated it). He did not give me much time to think about these statements (that honestly made me shudder) before beckoning me to come set for him. Even though I did not have time to ponder his statement more right then, these thoughts of embracing my difference kept me up for a while that night.

***

As middle school bled into high school, we continued as we always did, and Kuroo did not mind my lack of fashion sense. We still played volleyball and video games. He protected me from ever vicious bullies who were now throwing slurs and rocks, and I gave him a refuge from his parents, who’s fighting only became worse, and the altercations were starting to become physical. On those nights when his dad was home, I wouldn’t let him go into his house through the front door. I would not let him get hurt. I’d let him scurry across our window bridge if he needed to grab anything, but usually I had enough of his stuff in my room for him to last anyways. His parents didn’t notice his absence, and I was grateful to not be a cause of their scorn. He helped me through our ever growing pile of school work too. Yes, I was smart and probably could get through it on my own, but I was also lazy and would procrastinate to the very last minute if I did not have Kuro nagging me to do it. 

My last year of middle school without him was rough, but I made it through somehow. My hidden nooks such as the back corner of the library and the abandoned janitor’s closet were my havens from mean kids. They always wanted to stare, and were weirded out by my long hair and my lack of speaking to anyone. It wasn’t as if speaking to anyone would be useful to me. I had no point in toiling myself that way when I would gain nothing. Kuro still walked home with me when he wasn’t staying late after his practice, and I could feel his increased worry for me day by day. The harshness of that year is probably why the beginnings of my important revelations waited to even come into my radar until I was 15 and only a few weeks away from the new school year. 

Kuroo and I decided to take a different route home from school that day. Our walk was pretty normal until we saw this really cool store. Well, the store front looked really cool, and I actually liked the clothes on display? The concept of me liking clothes was just so foreign and weird to me that I shuddered.

“What is it, Kenma?” Kuroo asked. I just shook my head, indicating that it was nothing. Unfortunately, he did not believe me. 

“You look happy!” he insisted, “It was that store back there wasn’t it?” This was definitely one of the times when I wished that he couldn’t read me so easily. 

“No it wasn’t,” I told him. He didn’t believe me for a second. 

“Yes it was.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes it was.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“Yes. Come on I’m taking you in there and we’re going to find what interested you.” The store was filled with clothes like none I’d ever seen before. They weren’t obnoxious, and the way they looked actually satisfied me a lot. A lot of them were black or ripped, or both, and it all looked really edgy. I liked it a lot, and Kuro could tell as I walked around and looked at them all. I kept looking back at him where he was waiting at the entrance and he’d just shoot me a smile and occasionally a thumbs up. He looked a little uncomfortable being in this store, but I internally thanked him for coming in for me. I’m sure he saw that “happy face” again, although I bet he’s the only one who thought I looked happy at all. He was probably surprised to see me like this over clothes, but I was lucky that he did not ask about it. I just hoped I could form an answer to his inevitable question: why this? Not even I knew why these clothes were so appealing to me. In the end, all I bought was a plain black necklace. I later looked it up and found out that it was called a choker. Kuro was surprised with how little I bought.   
“That’s it?”

“I bought Smash Ultimate last week and blew all my money.”

“Oh right.” He was clearly perplexed that he forgot about that, but he should not have been. How was he supposed to know how much money I had when not even I know when I’m going to get more next? See, I only feel like doing my allowance if I need money for something. Otherwise I don’t bother. It was a miracle that I had enough for the choker.

“What did you get?” he asked. I was planning on not telling him what it was, so I just shook my head in an attempt to get him to not make me reveal it. It was a necklace, and it felt like this feminine thing I wasn’t supposed to have, yet I really liked it. What Kuro might think of me wearing such a necklace really scared me. He always accepted me and my difference, but he’d never seen me do anything like this. I did not know how he would react, and the uncertainty was terrifying, especially the prospect of rejection. 

“Why not?” When I looked up at him, I saw that bit of strain in his eyes. This was bothering him. Alright. 

“You’ll find out soon,” I told him with a resigned sigh. I knew I would wear it eventually, and I hoped that time would be soon. I was itching to try it out, yet the logical part of my mind screamed at me to absolutely not wear it because people would stare again. That logical side of my mind won out until a couple of weeks later when Kuro and I headed to the arcade. 

He met me at my house as usual before we walked up to the arcade. As I walked out the door, it felt good, but I also felt a sense of dread. The possibility of Kuro rejecting me lingered in my mind, although I’d just convinced myself that Kuro was ok with me being different. To try and release some of that extra energy, I jogged down my front walkway, heading right towards him. He immediately noticed it. His eyes went big and his mouth went into a little o before his face shifted into a lazy smile.

“Oh so that’s what you bought at that store?” he asked. I just meekly nodded and started to walk, hoping to avoid any negative commentary. 

“Kenma, it looks nice, and it really suits you, ya know,” he told me as we walked. One of his cutest smiles was shining to me like a laser, and I thought my insides would explode from the impact, although I was not sure why. The rest of my outfit was my usual drab, black sweats, but just the necklace got him to say that I looked nice. It made me want to actually dress up more. Shit was I blushing? Not only did the necklace make me feel more like myself, but it gave me compliments from Kuro. Of course with these combined forces I’d want to actually try with fashion and explore it. I still wondered why I was so drawn to feminine things like that and it made me feel a little restless. It wasn’t like I was drawn to everything feminine; the idea of wearing dresses or heels made me want to run away. Nevertheless, it still worried me. Thankfully, playing games at the arcade distracted me from that once we made it there. 

I could feel other people staring at me and the necklace too, and it made me uncomfortable. Their looks felt like daggers on my weak composure, and it was suffocating. 

“Don’t worry about what they think. They’re probably assholes anyways,” Kuro whispered in my ear. I nodded with conviction. I felt reassurance and relief. I needed to remember how great this necklace made me feel rather than focusing on what others thought. I knew what I had to do, but I could not let it go. People looking at me, especially like that, made me so uncomfortable. I ended up taking off the choker midway through our trip to Kuroo’s dismay. 

“Why’d you take it off?” he asked. He seemed really concerned, and I just wished that he would not worry about it. This was my stupid fashion decision, not his. 

“Too many people looking at me,” I responded. He only nodded in understanding, knowing I didn’t wanna talk about it.

“You ready to go home?” he asked. I just nodded. I was emotionally exhausted from all those people and Kuro could see it, which was a godsend. He started to walk towards the door and I gratefully followed. My hands were deep in my sweatshirt pocket, gripping onto my choker. Although I hated wearing it in public, I did not want to lose it. It still felt good to be in on my own.


	3. Nonbinary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter about avoiding problems, which leads to self discovery once those problems are finally confronted.

A few weeks later, my first year of high school began. I was a little overwhelmed at first, but I made it through ok. I’d gone through this sort of adjustment before with middle school, so I knew I was going to be fine. I didn’t bother people so they didn’t bother me, and that was how I liked it. Of course Kuro still talked to me (which is how I like it), and my new teammates on the volleyball team liked to bother me too. I knew I’d get used to it, until I had the shock of my life. 

I scared Yamamoto shitless for the second day in a row from doing absolutely nothing. 

“AHH!” I looked up at him and he tried to shake it off.   
“You need to do something with your hair, Kozume. People are going to keep thinking you’re Sadako, and you’re gonna stand out,” he told me. Stand out?! I was mortified. I knew what I had to do when I went home. I could not continue to stand out, so the only solution was to do what he suggested; change my hair. 

Nobody was expecting it when I showed up to school blond the next day, not even Kuro. In fact, he was completely gobsmacked as I walked out the door to meet him at the front of my house and he saw the blond. 

“Kenma- why did you do this?” Kuro looked really shocked, maybe even flustered, and it was strange.

“Yamamoto said that my hair made me stand out, so I changed it.”

“Oh well, I hate to break it to you, but the blond is going to stand out even more,” Kuroo told me slowly. He must’ve known he was dropping a bomb on my dumb 15 year old self. I instantly stiffened from the shock. 

“Want me to grab you a hat?” Kuroo asked me. It sounded like it pained him to say it, I don’t know why, but I couldn’t be more grateful. 

“Please,” I begged him desperately. He rushed back into his house and came back with a bucket hat. Huh.   
“This is an old one of mine. I thought it would suit you,” he told me while he handed it to me. A smirk was on his face and I could not pinpoint why. Nothing about the hat seemed foul, so what was making him look like this?

I muttered a quick thanks as I stuck it on my head. He was definitely right about the hat suiting me. I almost felt as secure as I usually did with the hat, although not quite because my hair was still very blond. Once we made it into school, Kuroo assured me that the staring would stop after a few days. I really hoped he was right because the staring was not fun. I suspected the hat helped a bit, but the blond still stuck out of it. I even scared Yamamoto again. 

“AAH! Kenma! That is not what I meant when I said you should change your hair!” He yelled. I just nodded meekly before moving on with my day. As the days wore on, people’s initial awe with my hair started to fade and I came to like it. Does that mean I had the motivation to dye it again? Absolutely not. I’m a lazy rat who can’t stand people. Changing it again would surely draw more attention then just letting the dye grow out. 

In the end, I could only last so long before I tried to figure out why I was like this. Questions about why I enjoyed chokers and blond hair kept threatening to take over, but I quelled them for a while. I managed to avoid the thoughts until about midway through my first year by some miracle. I spent too much time analyzing people on and off the court instead so that I didn’t have to analyze myself. I couldn’t help but dread what I thought I might find out. I also spent more time gaming than usual. Kuroo noticed this trend, but didn’t give much thought to it considering how normal I seemed otherwise. 

Then, my resolve finally broke. It was a Saturday, and I’d been gaming all day to distract myself from these thoughts. It took more and more to distract myself as those months went by, and this was the peak. Unfortunately, I’d forgotten to properly charge my switch the night before, so it died midway through gameplay soon after I returned home from extra practice with Kuro. I cursed to myself before putting it on the charger. I had a few minutes to wait before it turned on again, and that was when the thoughts finally came crashing upon me. I spent hours going over it and figuring with it, and I could not come to a conclusion. My brain kept going in circles about where this could be coming from for several hours til I became so desperate that I asked google. 

My exact question brought up a bunch of terms that did not exactly help me, although I now forget what I typed. It was all about women and men and what made them attractive to each other (hyper masculine and hyper feminine traits). This did not make me feel good. At the very least, it made me realize that I shouldn’t just be looking stuff up in masculine and feminine terms. I realized that I was neither wholly masculine or feminine, but I also felt drawn to aspects of both. So instead I looked up another question  
“i don’t feel like a man or a woman, what am I?” 

Nonbinary. It was the first word to come up, and I thought that the term matched my experience really well, although I wasn’t completely sure whether I really was nonbinary. The thought of that possibility was terrifying in the least. I learned that many nonbinary people labelled themselves using they/them pronouns, and the thought of using such for myself made me feel pleasant things. He/him always felt weird and wrong to me, so being allowed to use something else was liberating. 

I was also scared. I soon realized how many repercussions I would face if I tried to live as myself, nonbinary or not. The memories of my choker still stuck with me, and the thought of going in public in an androgynous outfit and getting stared at, let alone telling people that I was nonbinary, was chilling. This is why I decided to stuff the word nonbinary into a deep hole into my chest so that I could hopefully forget about it. Despite this effort, I could not get it and its possibilities out of my mind that night. 

The next day, I donned large bags under my eyes and a tired scowl. I’d stayed up all night with these thoughts, so I now faced the consequences. 

“Kyanmaaa, you look dead. Why didn’t you sleep last night?” I pondered my groggy brain for an excuse, any excuse, but nothing good came.

“Games.” Unfortunately, Kuro knew I hadn’t gotten anything new recently worth staying up for.

“Kenma, you know better,” he chided, “Now, lets go play some good volleyball yeah?” I just nodded and followed him to school. From what I could pick up in this groggy state, he was definitely disappointed with me, but I couldn’t tell about what at the time. Days later, I figured that it was probably that I didn’t confide in him. I… I hate to say that I didn’t feel safe telling even Kuro some things. 

In the days after this, I recovered decently from this revelation, attempting to bring things back to normal as soon as I could. I did a more research about what it meant to be nonbinary too, “just for kicks” I told myself. I never actually concluded whether I was nonbinary or not, instead just pushing those thoughts aside as much as I could for the sake of normalcy. The bags slowly disappeared from my eyes and the amount I gamed went back to near normal. Kuro was relieved, but he was still irked that I wasn’t telling him something. This affected our relationship in the coming months minimally. We acted as if everything was the same, but we could both feel the difference. He didn’t seem as happy when he was with me, and he must’ve still worried about what happened. In conclusion, I hated it, but it was not like I could do anything about it. 

The months passed by rather uneventfully, besides Kuro’s brief string of girlfriends. I never liked any of them, though I wanted to be happy for Kuro. I never could summon myself to be and I hated it. They never lasted long and this phase of Kuro’s ended with the end of the school year.

My methods of coping with my new knowledge worked well also, that is until puberty came to kick me in the ass. I was already midway through it at this point, and I didn’t mind what it did to my voice and my shoulders. The leg hair I’d already had for a year or so bothered me, on the other hand, and I didn’t know why. Overall, it wasn’t too bad until I started growing facial hair. 

Seeing the dark hairs on my face deeply bothered me, much more so than the leg hair too. It kept me up at night for around a week as I wondered what I was going to do about it, it didn’t seem worth it to shave such little hair. I was also puzzled as to why this hair bothered me. I did not see much of a reason for it, especially since I’d pushed the whole nonbinary thing onto the back burner. Kuroo was noticing the bags under my eyes again too. This time he was more concerned about what was going on because it’d happened before. In return, I was more insistent in saying I was fine, that is until the end of the week when things escalated as we were walking home.

“Kenma. Why aren’t you sleeping? I can see into your window, ya know, so don’t go on thinking that you can just say video games.” I sighed. My mind was very foggy after almost a week of basically sleepless nights, so my excuses were gone. 

“Don’t worry about it.” He started to laugh at this. At the time, I just thought his sense of humor was off, but now I realize that he was laughing because the concept of not worrying about me was so ridiculous to him. 

“You literally look like a dead man, Kenma. Please just tell me what’s actually keeping you up. Don’t think I did not notice your mood completely plummeting as well.”

“No it hasn’t.”

“Yes it has.”

“No.”

“Yes.” I then shook my head, the words being too much exertion for my very tired introverted self. 

“Kenma! I know you aren’t ok so please stop pretending and just tell me what’s going on! It hurts me to see you like this as much as it hurts you!” he exclaimed. I was completely stunned. He even seemed a little taken aback about what he just told me. I knew that Kuroo cared a lot about me, but I never realized that he cared that much before this. Before I could gather myself, he was talking again. 

“I- I’m sorry for bursting out like that. Even if you won’t tell me what’s happening, please just let me help you get through it.” I could hear the desperation and the sincerity in his voice so clearly. The week had already been so hard too (I was planning on going home to just cry after a day of holding it in) and Kuroo’s sincere desire to be there for me made me melt. I desperately crawled into his arms, letting him just hold me as the floodgates started to pour. He carried me the rest of the way home, holding me in an embrace that was tight and secure. Being in his arms felt so right. I knew I could stay there forever. 

Of course, this was the moment I realized how in love with Kuroo Tetsurou I am. This realization brought on a new wave of tears because I knew it would never happen. I was definitely not a girl, maybe not even a boy either. Luckily, that thought about my gender came at the right time, and my monkey brain realized that it was probably dysphoria causing my body hair issues and that I’d better just shave it to spare myself any more pain. If this sort of thing was affecting my life in such an intense way, I knew I had to be nonbinary. I could not picture myself living the rest of my life as a boy, and everything clicked into place. I cried even more, in joy and in sorrow.

Kuro carried me up to my room too and we snuggled until I regained my composure. It took a long time since I was grappling with both being nonbinary and being in love with my best friend, but I somehow made it stop eventually. When I regained my senses, I knew I had to get something through Kuroo’s head that would make him feel better. I could tell that he was not feeling it either. His whole body felt tense, and not just from gripping me firmly.

“Kuro, I’m sorry for not telling you what’s happening with me. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with.. anyone. If I was going to tell anyone anything important happening with me, you will always be the first one I go to.” I couldn’t see Kuroo’s face from where I was crooked in his chest, but I could feel his whole body become lighter.

“That means everything to me,” he whispered in my ear. That night, I shaved all of my body hair off and the weight was lifted. That day I learned that I needed to do everything I could to help myself feel sane, even if it felt inconsequential.


	4. Transitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they deal with and create change in their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize about my slowly deteriorating chapter summaries. I don't want to give too much away and it's hard aaa.

The months continued to pass by. I felt similarly towards my identity at the beginning of my second year as I did at the beginning of my first year. A big difference was that I was more aware of who I am and therefore thought about it more. Part of me wanted to just come out with it and not worry about what other people thought while the other part knew that I would shrivel up under their judgmental gaze. Kuro’s parents finally divorced as well, which I thought would help things in the long run, but they only made it worse for Kuro. With his dad gone, his mother started to take her anger out on him. I often held him as he cried himself to sleep that year, yet he still always managed to look like a perfectly normally functioning person to the rest of the team. I was jealous of him for being able to pull that off. Things continued as so at first.

Then, I met Hinata Shouyou. He was just so open, impulsively so, and his drive to improve was insane. Something captivated me about him, and so I chose to keep in touch. He texted me enthusiastically, and so I responded the same. Kuroo was just glad that I was finally making other friends. He’d tried to encourage me to do so for years before just giving up. Well, I also had Akaashi. He usually ended up texting me when Kuro and Bokuto were being idiots together. Our friendship was relaxed, but it didn’t compare to what Kuro and I had. It only existed because of Kuro and Bokuto after all. 

I’d grown more comfortable with my teammates over the past year too (although our new guy Lev was super annoying). Hinata was just the one who made me realize I had a choice. He often messed up or did stupid things that earned him scorn, yet he picked himself back up so quickly. I envied him greatly for that. I think he made me see that it was not the end of the world if people disapproved of me. Even when people doubted him, he just kept working, and I saw where it took his team. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I could feel like that too someday. 

Kuroo took notice to how much better I felt too. I even found the courage to wear my choker on a few of our outings. There were a few stares, but I just tried to do what Hinata would do and soldier through it. Keeping my field of vision extra small with my hair helped too. I think Kuroo noticed how worried I looked the first time and he didn’t ask because he didn’t wanna make it worse. After a couple other times, though, he brought it up. 

“I’m glad you’re expressing yourself Kenma. I heard chokers are quite trendy,” Kuroo told me with that classic smirk of his, though I could see he was being genuine through his eyes. I just gave him a light punch in the arm before responding. 

“Whatever. Fashion is for losers.” I did my best to hide my happy face from Kuroo’s comment. Lucky for me, Kuro was too distracted from my comment to notice. I used the moment to appreciate his ridiculously messy hair. I didn’t regret it, although I wished I could change how that hair came to be. At this point I knew he began sleeping with the pillows the way he did (that messed up his hair) to block out the fighting. I hated it, although I was thankful that he felt safe not sleeping that way when he was with me. 

The end of second year was brutal. Watching Kuro graduate made my heart ache. With middle school, it wasn’t as bad because I knew Kuroo would still be nearby, but with high school, he was going off to college soon and I was not ready to not see him all the time. Of course I was proud of him too. He was going off to one of the best colleges in Tokyo and I knew he would do great things after that. What’s worse is that Bokuto and Akaashi were also there and they saw all this on my face. I’m pretty good at keeping my poker face, but people who know me well can see right through it. Akaashi is one of those people, and he realized how gone I was for Kuro. 

Throughout the ceremony, my eyes were glued to Kuroo, and once it was over, he was glued to me, and who was I to resist? I couldn’t help but notice the way Akaashi was looking at Bokuto as those two left not far ahead of us as well. It wasn’t until I came home that the texts from Akaashi came, and I felt relieved that I did not look at them until Kuroo left once I saw what he wrote. 

Akaashi: You are so gone for Kuroo

I fell into shock and understanding as soon as I saw the message. 

Me: ...

Akaashi: Don’t deny it. 

Me: Then don’t deny how gone you are for Bokuto. 

I’m usually not this forward, but texting gave me courage, and I could not help but be glad it was my main way of bonding with Akaashi and Hinata. 

Akaashi:... Ok fair point. 

We proceeded to text eachother (but also Kuroo and Bokuto because fuck they’re moving soon) almost all night, venting about our feelings. We grew a lot closer, and the next morning I knew I wanted to continue volleyball my third year not only to see Akaashi but also Shouyou. Practice was also an environment I actually felt safe in, so letting that go would be a bad idea. I knew my heart would ache at Kuroo’s absence, but there was not much I could do about that. 

***

The night before Kuroo headed off for college, he spent the night at my place as he often did, although neither of us could get much sleep. We spent the whole night gaming, savoring the last bit of time we had with eachother before he was off. I was tempted to just get it over with and tell him about my secret before he left. If anyone was going to accept me, I knew it would be him after all, and if he rejected me, it would be easier adjusting to life without Kuroo. Over the past year of hiding myself, I’d come to realize that living as myself was more important than having the acceptance of others, no matter what my instincts said. Because I was more aware of what was going on and how to fix it, my dysphoria only grew worse with each day. I needed to tell someone, at least feel comfortable about it with one person. If that person was going to be anyone, it was definitely him. I made him a promise, after all (yes he does not know about how I’m in love with him but I never told Akaashi, that bastard just figured it out). It seemed like something was on his mind too, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. 

By this point, I was very used to the fact that I was in love with Kuroo Tetsurou, and the agony of sitting right next to him while longing to be in his arms was normal. It just hurt a little extra that night because it was the last time for a long time. Right before he left my house the next morning, I found myself doing something rather unexpected.

“Kuro!” I found myself calling as he walked towards his car. He stopped in his tracks as I quickly walked towards him. After a moment of hesitation, I let myself have the hug w/ him that I knew I needed. As I wrapped my arms around him, I could feel him jump a bit in surprise before hugging me back with gusto. It felt like he was going to crush me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This was going to be my last physical contact with Kuro for a while so it was for the best that it was intense.

“I’m gonna miss you, stupid,” I mumbled into his chest. He squeezed tighter, which made me smile. 

“I’m gonna miss you too, Kenma. So much.” Of course that’s when I started to cry. I tried to suppress it quickly because he did not need this right now, but I think he could feel my tears on his shirt. 

“You’ll text me right?” I asked him. I couldn’t help but feel uncertain and scared about where our friendship would go as he started this new chapter. I knew I needed to tell him about my gender soon if I ever wanted a chance of surviving that rejection too. Everything made me nervous, but I knew I needed to breathe. That’s what he always told me. 

“Of course I will. I will never let anything come in the way of our friendship.” the sentiment made me feel better, but I wasn’t sure if it was really true. I knew I would find out soon, though. Today I was going to come up with a plan on how I was going to do it, then I would execute it. 

After a day of thinking it over, I decided on writing him a letter that I would stick in a care package for him. I wanted to send him the food anyways because he was going to need it. I didn’t let myself think about the sinking feeling in my gut until I’d written the letter out. It took a few tries until I knew I had the best letter I was going to get, albeit still lousy. It read:

Dear Kuro,  
Oh wow. I’m writing you a letter, fancy I know. First off, enjoy the food. I made sure to get your favorites. I’m sure this already feels sus, but there’s a reason for this dumb letter.   
There is something important I need to tell you and this was the only way I could bring myself to do it because I’m scared about how you will react. Alright, so um...  
I am... .. nonbinary. It means that I’m not a boy or a girl. I think I’m somewhere in between. If you hate me for it, I understand. I feel pathetic because this was the only way I could make myself tell you. I hope this is not goodbye, Kuro.   
Take Care,  
Kenma

Kuro and I texted all the time after he left for college. My life quickly returned to its normal rhythm, but without him, and it felt wrong. I was even late to my first day of school from waiting for him. His absence felt like a large gaping hole, but our texts patched it a bit. They made me feel a bit better. Fukunaga was the new captain with Yamamoto as vice captain, and that was good because I hate leadership. It was sad not having Kuroo to spike to, but it was even more dreadful knowing that in a few days he could be completely gone from my life. Our texts were getting me through the day. He knew he had a box coming, thank god, but I could not help my nerves. Then, the day came when he finally received the package. 

Kuro: It came!! Thank you!!  
[*insert pic of package*]

I was already home from volleyball and definitely online when this text came so I could not help but hold my breath as he was surely opening it. 

Me: ☺️

I sent that emoji to make sure he thought I was totally fine even though I felt too nervous to even type a real response. 

Kuro: Kenma you are seriously the best!! I really missed my pocky 🥺

I knew that he was getting closer to the envelope and I started to really freak out, part of me really wished I could unsend the letter, but that was impossible, and I had to tell him at some point. 

Kuro: Wait why did you write me a letter?

Me: Just read it

The minute he spent reading the letter felt like an eternity. I really wished that I could see his face, yet I knew that such a prospect was terrifying too. I could not face a negative reaction, and therefore did not get to see it right now. 

Kuro: Kenma, I am so glad you told me. Thank you. ❤️

Me: Wait you don’t hate me now?

His response was so unclear in how he actually felt about it and it scared me shitless, hence why I typed out that text so fast. 

Kuro: Kenma what?! No!! I could never hate you. Your gender is something really trivial too. Hating people for stuff like that is really stupid. 

Me: 😅🥰

Me: I was so terrified of losing you, but I’m so glad I told you. ❤️

Kuro: Can we facetime? This is a big moment for you and I wanna make sure you’re ok. 

Me: Ok. 

About 30 seconds later, I had an incoming call from Kuro, and I quickly answered it. 

“Kenmaaa, you know you shouldn’t be in your bed unless you’re sleeping,” he chastised. I couldn’t help but smile at seeing his face. 

“Oh right shit is there a different name you want to go by?” he asked urgently. The question honestly left me a little stunned. I was so used to the icky feeling Kenma gave me that I never even thought about that. Although it always felt good when Kuro said it too, even if a little bad, because it felt so intimate. 

“I’d never actually thought about that, but I think finding a new name would be a good idea. You can still call me Kenma for now,” I told him. I didn’t want to lose that intimate feeling. 

“Listen, I could never ever hate you, ok?” Kuro told me. He was staring me right in the eyes through the screen and it felt intense. 

“..Ok. Same to you.” I told him. Just hearing him say those words made me feel so relieved. I could feel a little smile coming onto my face, and I welcomed it. The relief I was feeling was immense, and Kuro deserved to know how I felt. He knew how rare my smiles were along with their significance. 

“Would you like me to use they/them pronouns for you as well?” Kuro asked. I hated the sting of he/him. It just reminded me of how I was always seen as male, which really rubbed me the wrong way. At the same time, I did not need Kuro outing me. 

“Well, you are the only person I have told, and I’m not ready for other people to know, so just use he/him for now,” I responded.

“But once you tell other people, would you like me to use they/them?” Kuro asked. Right now, the idea of telling other people felt way too terrifying and unfathomable, but I knew that I would have to do it if I wanted to be happy. 

“Yes,” I responded after taking a minute to think about it. This was when I realized something was a little fishy, so I’d better ask Kuroo about it. 

“It sounds like you already knew what nonbinary is, which is not common. How come?” I asked. He seemed a little nervous at this comment before quickly relaxing. There was definitely a motive behind this and I was going to figure it out within the next five minutes whether he told me or not.

“Well, I’m actually lgbt too, bi to be specific. I probably should of told you sooner, sorry. I actually thought I was gay for a while too,” Kuroo told me. I was in shock. I always thought he was straight so this was crazy. He could like me back. What the fuck! We probably should have addressed this years ago, but we’ve had a sort of unspoken pact not to discuss romance. I used to always get uncomfortable when he brought up girls so he stopped. 

“Why are you so shocked?” Wow why am I so shocked. I inhaled before trying to explain. 

“You… you seem like a straight guy Kuro. Why would I suspect anything?” Kuro burst into one of his hyena cackles that I just found so endearing and I could almost feel my heart melt. I flinched too because it was so sudden. I was also so confused as to why he was laughing at that. Did he not see the way he dressed?

“Listen, I’m just really surprised you have not noticed the way I look at boys by now. I can’t believe you had no idea! Well, I guess I’ve not noticed you lusting after anyone either. Are you aro or something?” Kuro asked. I just shook my head. Whew time to come out for a second time because Kuro’s not gonna care and I can’t lie to him about this when there’s the slim possibility of him liking me back. It still made me nervous, though. At the same time, it was so freeing knowing he would’t care. 

“I like boys,” I informed him. He made a weird face before responding totally nonchalantly. 

“Cool.” I needed to figure out what that face was about! We spent the rest of the call discussing much more casual topics, and having that time with him made me feel completely rejuvenated. We agreed to do it again whenever we both had room on our schedules. What he said at the end of the call really stuck with me. 

“Please do remember that you can talk to me about anything and I will be there for you no matter what, ok?” This sentiment gave me so much comfort. Kuro was never going to judge me, and that made me feel so much relief. 

“Ok. Same to you.” Usually I don’t bother to speak if I don’t have to, but I thought it was really important that Kuro knew that I felt the same way. He never even told me about his sexuality until now either. 

“You really do love me!” Kuro teased. I just stuck my tongue out at him in retaliation, although I think we both knew how important those words were. We ended the call soon after, and I quickly realized how grateful I was that he did not bring up crushes. I was not ready to confess my love right after the very nerve wracking task of coming out as nonbinary. I went to bed soon after, grateful that such an exhausting day was over. I thanked the gods (that I doubted existed) for it going smoothly.


	5. Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Kozume deals with missing their best friend among other things.

The weeks continued to pass by, as they do, and I realized how boring my life was without Kuro. He was the one who dragged me out of the house and made me do things. Without him, it was just a pattern of school, volleyball, video games with a hint of homework, repeat. 

I also spent a lot of time contemplating my name. Going onto baby name websites as a teenager (but not a teen parent, thank god) felt really strange, but finding my name was worth it. After lots of contemplating, I settled on the name Kumi. It means a long time along with beautiful, and I think that fits because I waited a long time before I figured myself out and found the name, and I hope to finally feel beautiful some day once I hopefully become confident in this person that I am, and that I am still getting used to. I decided to keep the name to myself for a bit after figuring it out. It felt safe keeping it hidden is what I wish the reason was, and it did, but I think this choice was more because I was scared of what others would think of it. 

My texts with Kuro, Hinata, and Akaashi spiced my life up a bit, but it was nothing compared to Kuro actually being there. My texts with Akaashi confirmed that he felt the same way about Bokuto. Knowing Bokuto’s personality, I could only imagine how dull Akaashi’s life was feeling.

After Akaashi and I pulled an all nighter with these feelings, it was decided. We were going to go visit Kuro and Bokuto the next weekend. They were sharing an apartment in Tokyo so visiting both of them would not be a difficult task. Akaashi would drive us since I was too lazy to get my license, and we would make a group chat with Kuro and Bokuto to figure out the kinks. The thought of such a chat existing terrified me because there would be no escape from their antics, although I guess it would be nice to get to know Bokuto better. 

Cats and Owls

Akaashi: Surprise, it’s me creating this and not one of you college firsts years like you thought it would be. So Kenma and I are coming to visit next weekend (no takebacks unless you guys are super busy) and we need to come up with a plan, and one that works for you guys. Will it work if we drive up friday night?

Bokuto: OH MY GOD AKAASHI IM SO EXCITED OF COURSE WE’RE NOT BUSY FOR YOU!! 🥺💕

Kuro: YES!! I’ll make sure this slob doesn’t make a mess of things before you guys come. Also, can you guys make it before dinner? I really want to show off my sick cooking skills for you highschool kids.

Bokuto: 😤

Me: You know we get home cooked meals all the time right?

Kuro: Yes, but you need to see how much of adults we’ve become! I can’t let you think that Bokuto and I are subsisting on takeout! That food has way to much salt and sugar in it too. 

Typical Kuro. So typical it aches. God I can’t wait to see him again...

Bokuto: Wait this won’t conflict with your practices will it?? We don’t wanna get Yamiji mad at you Akaashi!!

Akaashi: I’m sure he’d understand. We could always practice a bit while we’re at it.

Bokuto: Yes!! I can’t wait for you to set for me again!! Hey hey hey!!!

Akaashi: I can’t wait too. Is it ok if we leave sunday night? Also will there be a place for us to sleep? And a place for me to park?

Kuro: That sounds perfect. Bokuto and I don’t have a guest room, but we have a couch and some spare futons. I’m sure we’ll figure it out. Parking here is really scarce, but I think there’s a garage nearby that you can park in. 

Akaashi: 👍🏻

Kuro: Anyways my job is really boring someone please entertain me : /

The group chat continued to almost constantly be active, and it helped me gain a much better understanding of Bokuto too. At one point, my teacher even made me put my phone away because of the constant buzzing. Admittedly, constant conversation is way too much for me, so I learned to tune it out when I needed a break.

That week also passed by way too slowly. I itched to see Kuro again, although it was gonna be nice to see Bokuto and Akaashi too. I grew more and more impatient to the point where I even vented about it to Shouyou. 

Me: I really want this week to end already so I can go see Kuro : (((

Shouyou: If you sleep more, it will come faster!

I ended up taking that advice to heart when I could, but other nights I was too restless thinking about it to even get a wink of it. This was going to be my first time seeing him since coming out to him, and Bokuto and Akaashi were going to be there too. I really hoped it wouldn’t be awkward or weird. Worries of bad scenarios did keep me up at night when I should’ve been following Shouyou’s advice. 

Once it was finally Friday, the day dragged on and on. I could not pay attention at all in class and seriously messed up when teachers tried to call on me. Lunch was just more texting with my friends which sped things up a bit. For the first time in my life, I ran home from practice. Akaashi needed to just pick me up already. I knew he wouldn’t be at my place til around 5:15 so I still had a half an hour to kill. I tried to absorb myself into mario galaxy, but my mind decided to not let me focus on that. My only reprieve was bouncing Kuro’s old volleyball that he left here years ago against my wall. 

I ended up bringing the very same volleyball with me on a whim as I raced out the door and into Akaashi’s car, duffel bag slung around my shoulder. I knew I did not forget anything because I checked 3 times already. I even brought my choker, which I stuck in a small pocket by itself, just in case I found the courage to wear it. Akaashi greeted me with a warm smile as I sunk into his passenger seat, flinging my stuff into the back seat of his silver honda civic. It was not new, but it wasn’t ancient either. I had faith that Akaashi and the car would pull through

Akaashi could sense my mood, and I could tell he had a similar mood, so we both spent the whole car ride venting to each other about life without Kuro and Bokuto along with our excitement to see them. I found out so many little bits about Bokuto during that car ride, though Akaashi probably learned a lot about Kuro too. It felt weird knowing so much about Bokuto before properly getting to know the guy. I knew I’d probably remember it all too. I could only hope that it wouldn’t come back to bite me later. 

That car ride felt like an eternity, yet it zipped by quickly. Once we were parked, I grabbed my stuff before dashing to their apartment. Akaashi was surprised at my eagerness, but he quickly locked the car and followed suit. Once I found the address, I texted “we’re here” to the group chat, and Bokuto opened the door.

“Kozume! Where’s Aghaashe??” Bokuto asked. Akaashi ran up to the door just then. He surely heard what Bokuto said from down the hall. I wonder how their neighbors deal with the

“I’m right here.” A small smile piqued from Akaashi’s lips, although I don’t think Bokuto noticed as he tackled the guy into a hug. I didn’t worry much about them with Kuro on my mind. With Bokuto out of the way, I scampered into the apartment and looked for Kuro, who I quickly spotted in the kitchen cooking. My instincts led me to walk right up to him and slowly wrap my arms around him from behind. I had not touched Kuroo Tetsurou in several weeks and that alone was a crime. Kuro did not see me coming and jumped in surprise. 

“Kenma! Can you not scare me next time? We can’t let anything happen to my stew!” Kuro whined. Despite the complaint, he didn’t ask me to let go so I knew he enjoyed this. I just nuzzled further into his back. This was the bliss I’d missed for weeks, and I was going to cling on as long as I wanted. 

“Shut your mouth,” I murmured into his hoodie, or was it a jacket? I wasn’t sure. After a few more minutes of this I let go because of my desire to see his face. I could also feel Akaashi staring at me in jealously, and I hated being stared at. I quickly sat down on a stool at their breakfast bar and started to take in the apartment. I also kept my eyes out for Kuro facing my direction. 

The apartment itself was small and sparse in decoration, but it had cushy furniture and a functioning kitchen. The flat screen tv was also going to be good for later. I could also hear Bokuto and Akaashi muttering from the couch, but I didn’t focus very much on them. Instead, I focused on how nice Kuro’s arms looked as he stirred his mixture while I pretended to play a game. It’s a trick I’ve grown very skilled at after years of practice. Kuro’s never suspected a thing. He’s gained some muscle since I last saw him, but he’s still not as beefy as Bokuto. His hair is still messy as ever, and his foot is tapping to whatever song is in his head. It’s a habit of his I found out about years ago. Kuro seemed so at ease. 

I could live in this moment forever, yet I also knew I wanted so much more that I would likely never get. Even though Kuro is bi, I doubted he would like me like that. He’s so gorgeous, and he had many gorgeous options. Why would he pick me and my gross sweatpants and pudding hair? Well, the pudding hair will hopefully be gone in a year or two, but he’ll probably have an s/o by then. I then decided to stop thinking about him being with other people because those thoughts made me feel too sad and angry. 

It did not take Kuro too much longer to finish cooking dinner. We ate in the living room because there was not space for a proper dining area in the apartment. I suspected Kuro had us eat in there rather then at the breakfast bar because he wanted to see our faces, and I couldn’t blame him. This plan also left him sitting on the floor (I took their one chair while Bokuto and Akaashi stayed on the couch. There was room for him on the couch, but he was adamant about seeing our faces), so he was the one who had to pay for it. Admittedly, I was jealous of Bokuto and Akaashi’s close proximity to eachother, although Akaashi looked a little flustered too. That was something I was not jealous of. 

The conversation at the meal felt so full. Because we were with both Kuro and Bokuto, it moved super fast, which overwhelmed me a bit, but it was still pleasant. We got to hear all about Bokuto and Kuro’s time in college, and Akaashi was even able to interject a couple of times. In these sort of situations, I have absolutely no assertiveness so I didn’t talk, but I never minded that. I think Kuro thought that it was odd that I wasn’t talking at all and he kept looking at me to make sure I was ok. I just tried to reassure him with my face. 

The yaki soba he made was also surprisingly good. I was hesitant about what Kuro was putting in there at first, but he managed to bring out the best flavors of all the ingredients. After what Kuro cooked in highschool, I was impressed. It was not amazing or anything, but it was an improvement from his previous attempts. 

For dessert, Bokuto brought out cupcakes that he bought from a nearby bakery and I enjoyed them a lot. Everyone else enjoyed theirs too, but I have a large sweet tooth, so it was on a whole other level for me. I don’t think Bokuto and Akaashi noticed because of how bored my excited face looks. I’ve always felt insecure about it, though it comforts me to know Kuro understands what is happening.

“You should thank Bokuto for your little patch of heaven, there,” he whispered in my ear as he walked to the kitchen to put his dishes away. I just stuck my tongue out at him as he walked off. My heart skipped a beat because of how quickly he got so close to my face. I prayed that I had not turned crimson, but as soon as I looked at Akaashi, I saw that he knew very well what was going on. He teased me with his eyes and I stuck my tongue out right back at him. Bokuto, meanwhile, watched the whole thing play out and was very confused.

“What was that about?” he asked. ‘Ha ha, Akaashi. Now you have to pay for teasing me,’ I thought. I gave Akaashi a look imploring him to explain this to Bokuto some how. In the end, we were saved by Akaashi’s quick thinking that I knew would pull through. 

“It was just an inside joke, though Kozume didn’t find it very funny,” Akaashi supplied. His voice sounded poisonous when spitting out my name, but that was fair since I made him explain. He’s better at that sort of thing anyway. Bokuto nodded in understanding. I was scared Bokuto was going to feel left out for a minute, but he didn’t seem to mind. Akaashi must’ve known what he was doing.

After that, we all played Mario Kart for a bit. I beat everyone as expected, though I was surprised by how well Bokuto and Akaashi did. They even got ahead of Kuro a couple of times, who’s been trying to keep up with me for years. 

Kuro and I then retired to his room for some time alone that I could tell we’d both been craving all night. The walls were mostly barren in his room and textbooks were scattered across the floor. Typical. We did not talk about anything important. Kuro just rambled on about his chemistry assignments among other things while I listened and played kirby on my psp. We sat near each other on his futon. Him being next to me like that, just like it was a normal day before he left, meant everything to me. Hearing him talk made me feel so relaxed and light, and I think it had the same effect on him. 

“Goodnight,” he told me as he turned off the light. I’d set up one of their extra futons in his room before we went to bed. He usually told me ‘Goodnight Kenma’, and I was not sure how to feel about this. I knew he was trying to help me not feel as dysphoric, but I also missed the special feeling him calling me Kenma gave me. It was good and bad because the name made me feel blah, but it only belonged to my family and Kuro and that made it feel nice. Now that I thought about it, I realized that people calling me Kozume felt uncomfy too. It felt so formal and stuffy when people called me by that name. I decided then to fix the issue because I could. I knew my name and it would fix this ache in my heart once Kuro knew it too. 

“Kumi,” I told him in a whisper. I was thankful this happened and coaxed me to finally tell him. Otherwise, I have no clue when I would’ve found the guts to do it. I think he looked up in surprise from his spot on the futon when I said it. It was too dark to know for sure, but I did know that he was already laying down by the time I said it. I could just make out a smile coming onto his face before he responded. Right after I told him, I contemplated telling him not to use it in front of the others, but I figured that he already knew. 

“Goodnight, Kumi.”

“Goodnight, Kuro.”

“Tetsurou. Please.” I was taken aback by this, especially by how desperate he sounded. I never felt comfortable calling him by his given name because I never felt close enough for that even though its been ten years and he’s the person that I’m closest to. It’s stupid, I know. It feels so stupid that I was scared. I could almost feel the serotonin seeping into my brain as I heard him say these words. It made me feel that he valued us as much as I did. Even though I knew he didn’t like me back, it was nice to know that he placed such value on our friendship. 

“Goodnight, Tetsurou.” I dreamt of falling asleep in his arms.


	6. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with fluffy surprises and some inqueeries thrown in.

When I woke up, I was surprisingly not disappointed. The room we slept in became chilly during the night because of the messed up air system in the building, and Tetsurou and I ended up in between our futons cuddling for warmth. I know this because the cold woke me up earlier in the night before I fell back asleep while not in Kuro’s arms. 

Once I realized I was in his arms, and he was in mine, I elected to not move a muscle in fear of waking him up. Thankfully the shock did not send me flailing and I was given this opportunity. I was going to bask in this for as long as I could. This rarely ever happened because usually whenever he used to stay the night, I was in my bed while Tetsurou took a futon on the floor. Sometimes we would both crawl into my bed if one of us was doing particularly poorly, but that was not the normal scenario, and that was always tainted with negative emotions. Now that we were both on the floor, there were new exciting possibilities. I didn’t think about this as I laid there, though. Instead, I basked in the sun coming through the window and the bliss of the moment. 

When Tetsurou, woke up around a half an hour after I did (to my shock), he looked up at me and gave me this dreamy smile. I was just surprised that he was not phased to be holding me. I immediately tensed up at the sight of his (gorgeous) eyes. 

“Good morning, Tetsurou. I’ll move now. I just didn’t want to wake you up,” I told him, like a liar. I didn’t mind waking him up; he’d woken me up too many times to count and revenge is sweet, but laying there in his arms was even sweeter. His face contorted into an expression of surprise and disappointment, but what could he be disappointed about? I hated being puzzled by him, so I left for the bathroom to get ready for the day to distract myself. It amazed me that he still puzzled me sometimes after this long. 

Breakfast was a casual affair. We all ended up having toast at the breakfast bar this time (Akaashi convinced Tetsurou that we shouldn’t be trusted not to spill things without a table at this hour). Things only started to get interesting when this somehow came out of my mouth automatically. 

“Tetsu, pass the marmalade.” When I realized what I said, my face turned a little scarlet, but I don’t know who noticed. I did it subconsciously, and it felt so right too. We really must’ve waited too long on that one. I also must’ve dreamt about it way too many times. Tetsu himself was too busy being surprised to notice me, thank god. He then opened his mouth before closing it again, obvious that he was about to blurt my name but then didn’t. 

“You love me after all,” he teased with that smirk crinkling his eyes in the perfect way. He passed me the marmalade at the same time. I once again elected not to respond to that one because 10:00 am on a Saturday eating breakfast was not the time to confess, nor did I want to. Akaashi gave me a questioning look at that one, but I just shook my head, reassuring him that nothing happened. 

“Ok, so Bokuto and I discussed it this week, and we’re going to take you guys somewhere this morning. Akaashi, do you mind if I drive your car? I didn’t bring one to school with me and we want to keep where we’re going a surprise,” Tetsu told us after breakfast. A surprise? Ew. I really don’t like surprises, but since it’s coming from Tetsurou, I trust it. He would never surprise me with something I wouldn’t like. Akaashi’s reaction seemed similar to mine. He seemed intrigued. 

“Sure. Just promise not to wreck it, ok?” Akaashi told Tetsu. 

“Perfect, now lets go off and enjoy today’s adventure. Come along!” Tetsurou declared. Even simple words from him could sound like poetry to me, and it made my chest do funky things that I desperately wished would stop. 

“Hey hey hey! I’m so excited Aghaashi!” Bokuto called as he raced out the door. The rest of us did our best to keep up, or not. Bokuto and Tetsu ended up racing to the car. Akaashi and I walked at a more leisurely pace behind them until we arrived at the vehicle. We actually met them at the bottom of the garage because they had no clue where we parked and we then walked the rest of the way together. 

“Is Kuroo actually a good driver?” Akaashi asked me nervously as we walked. I understood why he would be nervous. Cars are expensive. I nodded reassuringly in response. 

“I’ve never felt unsafe with Kuro at the wheel,” I told Akaashi, who in turn sighed in relief. 

Bokuto and Tetsu’s faces lit up as Akaashi unlocked the car and handed Tetsu the keys. If even that was making them happy, I could only wonder what this place they were taking us to was. I think that’s what Akaashi and I did throughout the car ride: wonder where we were going. Bokuto kept babbling, though, so Akaashi could not focus on that for long, keeping up a conversation with Bokuto instead. Tetsu occasionally interjected, but he mostly kept his eyes on the road and his focus on his driving. I think he must’ve heard what Akaashi asked me as we were walking up. I just played more kirby in the car, not bothering to talk. The silence between Tetsu and I felt comfortable, perfected after years of afternoons in my room after school. 

Once we parked, I still could not quite tell where we were going. Tetsu and Bokuto insisted on covering our eyes as we walked in, the dramatic fucks. I was not disappointed when I opened my eyes. The most beautiful garden I’d ever seen was before me, and I stood there in shock. The green of the leaves was so vivid, and the way the trees reflected on the water was beautiful. I think Akaashi had a similar reaction because I could not feel him moving next to me.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you,” Akaashi told the boys. I could feel the joy radiating off of him, pulsing through his words. I nodded in agreement with his statement as I took everything in. 

“I’m glad you like it,” Tetsu told us, although it felt like it was more for me, and that also made my heart rate speed up a bit.

“Yeah! Let's explore because this place is really big!” Bokuto chimed in. We ended up following him as he searched for something, although he never told us what he was looking for, even when we asked him. Weird. I think it had something to do with Akaashi because he kept coming back and looking at him. 

As we walked, Tetsu rambled on about the history of the place, and Akaashi and I listened with intrigue. At points we stumbled across spots that reminded Tetsu of our childhood. Instead of referring to me by any of my names, he kept referring to me as “you” while he did a little gesture to me even though Akaashi was there. I knew why. He was trying to make sure I didn’t feel dysphoric, but that also meant that Akaashi noticed this and was confused. He could see that something was fishy, and gave me a few questioning looks. I just shook my head each time, silently begging him not to worry about it, especially not here. It was nice to know that Kuroo cared, though. 

I did my best to enjoy it even with that. The atmosphere of the garden was so relaxing, and having Tetsurou by my side rambling about the place made me feel all the better. Each time Bokuto came back, it felt like a whirlwind of crazy before he went away again, further disrupting the atmosphere, although the fond look that sprouted into Akaashi’s eyes each time he returned was nice to watch. 

All in all, we had an amazing morning, and we snapped several pictures to remember it with. Bokuto never found what he was looking for, and he thought it was his fault, but Akaashi was able to quickly subdue this train of thought and remind him that the place just might not have it. The ride home was calm enough, but I still felt a bit dismayed because Tetsu had to work that afternoon, which meant he was leaving me soon. 

We had a quick lunch of sandwiches thrown together before he left. I savored every last moment with him up until he left, taking in as much of him as I could (looks and personality, both of which I already had committed to memory). 

“Later losers!” he called as he walked out the door. I didn’t have the energy to stick my tongue out at him. Once he was gone, I could feel myself deflate. Usually it was a relief when he left my house because it meant I could have some alone time, but knowing I only had so long before I wouldn’t see him for weeks, it just made me dismal because I could not spend this time with him. I spent the first few minutes after he left drowning myself in kirby to distract myself. Then, Akaashi came at me with a burning question. 

“Oi Kozume, now that Kuroo’s gone, I’ve got something I want to ask you about.” I looked up at him in surprise. Bokuto was in the room watching tv, so I really hoped he was not just trying to expose me to Bokuto. If he was, I was so utterly fucked. Although I knew that I could expose him right back if he exposed me, so he would pay for that. 

“hm?”

“Ok, so I’ve noticed that something was a bit off between you two all weekend, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was until this morning. Why hasn’t Kuroo been referring to you by name? You called him his first name this morning too! What’s up with that?” Akaashi asked. In that moment I knew Akaashi and I were alike in a deep way: We both liked to understand the motives behind other people’s actions. That did not mean that I liked it when people questioned me about actions that were about me.

“Oh I noticed something was off too, although I didn’t figure out what it was. Please explain Kozume. I hope everything’s ok between you two!” Bokuto added. Great. He was listening in too, which only added to the pressure. Ugh. I was tempted to tell him that he was being considerate of me, a vague version of the truth, but I knew he would question that more and I would be forced to come out, which is really not the move. So I decided to just be vague. 

“Just to be clear, everything is fine between us. I don’t really know why he’s doing it, but I don’t mind.” Akaashi’s brow further furrowed at this.

“But that’s not fair to you! He’s called you by your name for years and yet once you start calling him his he just stops referring to you by name at all? That would piss me off!!” Bokuto rambled. Akaashi opened his mouth right as Bokuto started talking, but based on how he kept it closed after Bokuto finished, I assumed that he was going to say something similar. How the hell was I supposed to explain without having to out myself?! Right, I can’t. I could feel the panic seeping into my face before I quickly schooled it back to normal. Fucking hell, why must I be better at expressing negative emotions than positive ones I hate this!

“I know it might not seem fair, but I don’t mind,” I told them, and they still weren’t satisfied. The whole situation just seemed off, and I could not blame them. 

“Oh how about we just ask Kuroo himself? I’ll text him right now,” Bokuto exclaimed. Akaashi nodded in approval and I started to try and come up with ways to properly come out if the situation warranted it. I trusted Kuro a lot, but I couldn’t be 100% sure that he would not out me to Bokuto and Akaashi. I knew that he most likely wouldn’t. He knew how I felt about telling other people, but I wanted to be prepared on the offchance that he did actually say something stupid. 

Those few minutes of Bokuto and Akaashi silently sitting on the couch were very nerve wracking. I absorbed myself into pokemon yet again while listening for any sort of noise or reaction from them. After hearing none for five minutes, I just gave up and spoke up. I knew Kuroo was still on his way to work from the weeks I’d spent texting him before this, and he’d surely responded by now. 

“What did he say?” I asked. At that notion, Akaashi sighed. Bokuto also seemed less jumpy than normal, very attentive, and it unsettled me. 

“He said that it’s something to do with you and for you to tell when you are ready. He also reassured us that you two were fine so I guess that counts for something,” Akaashi replied uneasily. He continued to look up at me expectantly along with Bokuto, and I could feel the pressure to tell, yet I just was not ready. Admittedly, it would be nice to open up to them about it, but I was just not sure if I could trust them with it. I could feel my heart rate rising, and my hands were starting to get sweaty, meaning I needed to calm down.

“I’ll be right back, I have to go to the bathroom,” I told them to escape. Once I made it to the bathroom, I curled up on the floor as my thoughts started to spiral. So many what ifs whirred through my head, such as what might happen if Bokuto and Akaashi found out about me. They could be unsupportive, mad about my dishonesty, so many other variations of what could possibly happen were whirring through my head. It could get to my mom, it could get to Tetsu’s mom. Oh God. No, not Tetsu’s mom. My mind ripped at me, telling me that I absolutely had to do something to fix this. Unfortunately, my thoughts were moving way too fast and in too many different directions to coherently do anything. I was only pulled out of this state by my phone buzzing. I whipped it out of my pocket insanely fast and practically slammed my finger against the phone as I went into my messages. 

Kuro: Hey, are you ok? Bokuto and Akaashi said that you ran off.

Tetsurou cared. Always a relief. I was grateful for his unending concern. Even after only seeing that text I could feel my mind starting to slow down. It was nice to have him just know when I was feeling like shit like he did before he left. Usually he just had to figure it out these days because he wasn’t there to witness it. 

Me: I think I’m ok now?

Kuro: Well, better than nothing. Make sure to ground yourself. You know it’s safe to tell them, right? Akaashi’s gay and Bokuto’s bi, and I’d guess Akaashi’s heard of it and I know that Bokuto has. Even if they didn’t know about it I’m sure they’ll try and understand. I understand if you just don’t feel ready, but if you thought it was unsafe, then you’re wrong. 

All of this information overwhelmed me a bit. Especially that bit about Bokuto being bi. Shit right, I needed to ground myself. I re-acquainted myself with my surroundings to help calm my mind down as Tetsu suggested before continuing along that train of thought. Akaashi’s always lamenting about how straight the guy is so I thought it would be helpful to pass along this information. I trusted Kuro’s intuition on this, and my safety was probably the main thing holding me back from ripping off the bandaid. These were people that both Kuro and I were close to, so being out to them would help make things a bit easier on me. Still, there was something in the back of my mind that felt hesitant. 

Me: Oh that’s good. I think I want to wait til some point after you get back. I will feel more comfortable doing it with you there. 

Kuro: Alright, well, I have to go before my boss scolds me for being on my phone, see ya later, Kumi! : D

Me: Bye, Tetsurou : )

As I locked my phone, I could hear Bokuto and Akaashi still discussing whether I was ok, and hearing them refer to me as “he” felt really icky. I decided to return to the living area and end that as soon as possible. I threw up a peace sign as I sank into the squashy black chair, and of course Bokuto started talking about plans for the afternoon. 

“Kozume!! You’re back! Akaashi and I talked about it and we decided that we should play a board game! Don’t you think that’ll be fun??” 

“I thought that maybe we should try and play a game where you won’t inevitably crush us every time. You up to the chance of losing?” Akaashi asked with a devious glint in his eye. So this is how he wanted to do things, huh? I decided that I’d let him even out the match up a bit, but that did not mean that I was going to lose.

“You’re on,” I responded challengingly, and then Akaashi pulled out candy land. I could not believe him. I could feel my face shift to an annoyed look directed at Akaashi, and for good reason. 

“Lets face it, Kozume, the only way to make this an even playing field is to play a game purely based on luck, and you already said you were in so no backing out now,” Akaashi explained with a playful smirk. Of course. Luck. There was no way to guarantee victory, but I was still going to do what I could. 

“Whatever.” We played several rounds through the afternoon, and we each won at least a few. Bokuto became dismayed a couple of times, but Akaashi was able to quickly bring him out of it. We kept track of how many we each won, and Akaashi won the most by a couple of rounds. Even Bokuto celebrated that one even though he completely lost, which I thought was odd. Usually Bokuto despised losing... but Akaashi won.

I then noticed the way Bokuto was looking at Akaashi and put the pieces together that Bokuto liked him back. How lucky, and how odd that Akaashi’s never noticed. I felt a pang of jealousy, but I tried to forget about it as we headed to Kuro’s work. We were surprising him by coming in towards the end of his shift. I still planned to text Akaashi later on and make him aware of Bokuto’s sexuality along with today’s observations. He still deserved to find happiness even if I couldn’t find my own. The problem was that he hardly ever left Bokuto’s side, so I did not know how I could do so without it being obvious to Bokuto. This meant I would have to wait ‘til we were returning home to tell Akaashi. 

Soon after we finished, we all headed to the coffee shop Tetsu worked at to surprise him with what Bokuto called “the blessing of our presence” a little early. l could never say no to coffee and the confectionaries that go with it, or the prospect of more time with Tetsu these days. 

As we walked into the shop, I noticed Tetsu immediately turn away from us, which is quite strange, but he might’ve just been working on a drink for all I knew. It wasn’t until Bokuto shouted at him that he turned around. 

“Hey Kuroo!! Look who’s here!” Tetsu quickly turned around and gave us a wave and a grin before finishing up the drink he was making for some twelve year old girl who was almost as tall as me. Yes, 170 cm is not too bad, but I’m still bitter. Even so, my size does have its perks. Tetsu can carry me, and on the rare occasions that occurs, its heavenly. The main con this weekend is that I’m surrounded by giants that are on average 15 cm taller than me and I feel like an ant. 

Right before we placed our order, Tetsu swapped to the register with another coworker so that he could take our order. He didn’t feel a particular obligation to make our drinks; we’d already heard that Bokuto’s were much better anyway. Bokuto also works there but Tetsu takes more shifts because Bokuto has volleyball to keep up with. He decided to stop playing because he wouldn’t have time for it with his other commitments of school and work. Unlike Bokuto, he didn’t have an athletic scholarship to fall back on. I could tell that he missed it, but we both knew that he made the right choice. Just like all of us, Tetsurou needs time for rest. I could feel my heart flutter as Tetsu asked for our orders, his voice making me feel as though I’ve ascended yet again. I’d even decided what I was getting over five minutes ago, but I completely blanked as soon as I heard his voice. Thankfully Bokuto ordered first, followed by Akaashi, giving me time to recollect myself. 

“An iced vanilla latte please,” I told Tetsu once it was my turn. He knew by now that I would gladly drink caffeine at any time of the day, so he just told me “Coming right up!” without question. Tetsu then insisted on paying for our drinks, which was definitely noble of him, but also stupid. He’s the broke college student, not me or Akaashi.

The first drink to come was Akaashi’s tea, which looked simple, but definitely tasted good based on Akaashi’s face after the first sip. Bokuto’s drink looked like a crap ton of sugary flavoring with some whipped cream. Bokuto ordered his usual today. It was hard to believe that people like Bokuto truly existed. I couldn’t blame him, but I also could. The idea of consuming something that sugary made me want to puke. I think Tetsurou noticed me staring at Bokuto’s drink in disgust and he just laughed. I think he was about to say something else but then he shut his mouth because he would’ve said my name and just fuck! Everybody is noticing! I Do Not like this. We are sorting this out tonight. Bokuto and Akaashi surely still think something is up even though neither of us would budge. 

Once my drink came and we settled ourselves at a table, I just sank myself into it, attempting to distract myself from that crap. The taste of vanilla soothed me, though I kept stealing glances at Tetsu too. I loved to see him focused on a task like he was as he made drinks, which he switched back to immediately after we ordered. My guess as to why is his dread of mindless tasks, which I share, although his is worse than mine. 

A few minutes later, Kuro sank down into the chair next to mine with a drink that matched mine. I gave him a questioning look for that. I did not think vanilla would be the flavor he’d choose, or that he would have any sort of caffeine this late in the day, so I gave him a questioning look. 

“I wanted our sleeping patterns to match tonight, and vanilla’s good even if it’s not my favorite,” Kuro told me. Yet again, he knew what I was thinking, and I was thankful for the blessing of Tetsurou into my life. The urge to ruffle his hair suddenly came over me, but I was definitely going to restrain myself in such a public place, and god forbid the urges go any further. Despite this, I could feel my happy face emerge in that moment. Akaashi looked at me knowingly, so I just raised my eyebrows right back up at him saying ‘As if you are not absolutely whipped yourself’, and Akaashi resigned. I wondered if Akaashi heard what Tetsu said or if he noticed my face. If it was the latter, I applaud him for his perceptiveness. Tetsu was listening to Bokuto ramble in that moment, but I think he still caught me and Akaashi’s interaction. The confusion was there on his face. I hoped that he would forget about it. Kuro gave me another questioning look after that, surely asking me if I would come out yet, but I just gave him a look that said ‘later’. I did not want to do it in a public place. 

Soon enough, we walked back to Kuro and Bokuto’s and stopped at the wendy’s on the way to grab some dinner. Tetsu and Bokuto did everything incredibly casually at that wendys, as if they’d been there a million times, which I’m guessing they have since its so close to their apartment. After we came home, we settled in the living room and ate our food. I knew Tetsu was expecting me to say something, but I had such a hard time bringing myself to. The other three just kept up their conversation, thank god. I just kept sitting there and stewing, and it got to the point that Akaashi noticed. Tetsu noticed sooner, and he kept giving me encouraging looks, but every time I opened my mouth to talk, it felt as if my lungs were about to close up. I knew I couldn’t do it no matter how important it was.   
“Kozume, are you ok?” he asked. I looked down and swallowed. I think Tetsu realized how bad I’d gotten and took it from there. He quickly came over and picked me up off of the chair I was on and took me to his room. We were both finished with our meals so we didn’t bother grabbing any of the remains. 

“Hey, I didn’t mean to pressure you into anything. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to,” Tetsu soothed. This message pained me because I wanted to. I hated Akaashi and Bokuto thinking something was up, but Tetsu calling me Kenma would be just as uncomfortable. The idea of it no longer brought me joy after he called me Kumi. 

“I want to, but I can’t,” I told him in an almost whisper. I curled up into him on instinct. He’s known of my anxieties for years, and I was more than grateful that he didn’t question it. His arms around me brought me more comfort, even as they made me long for us to be more. 

“Do you think you could text them maybe?”

“I think so, but you might have to hit the send button. Could you do that for me?” Tetsu thought for a minute before responding. He seemed to feel iffy about the idea, but I tried to assure him with my eyes that I wanted him to do it. 

“Ok, I’ll do it.” I gave him a look in thanks before I began typing away. It took a while for me to make the message right. I made sure to properly explain things and account for all my what ifs, although I didn’t go too into depth because Tetsu said that Bokuto was bi and I was quite aware of how gay Akaashi was. 

Cats and Owls

Me: Hey, so I know you guys noticed something was off, and that Tetsu was not saying my name, and I wanted to assure you guys that everything is fine between us and there is a reason behind it. The reason is that I am nonbinary. This means that am not a boy or a girl. I fall somewhere in between, and being called such a male name makes me uncomfortable. I have chosen the name Kumi for myself instead, and I hope you guys don’t mind Tetsu using that instead, let alone me being nonbinary. If you guys are not ok with it, I understand. I can leave you guys alone for the rest of this trip. I’m sorry I did not have the courage to say any of this aloud. 

I felt such intense dread as I waited for them to respond, although it gave me some comfort that I did not have to see their faces, let alone see Tetsu’s face when I told him. Tetsu himself continued to comfort me while I fretted, and I could not be more glad of that. Bokuto’s response came in quickly, though Akaashi’s took a bit more time. 

Bokuto: Oh ok!!

Bokuto: That’s ok, Kozume! I’d never heard of it, but this is clearly super important to you and you can’t change it! Don’t hide from us! We still want to see you and we still care about you!!

Akaashi: Of course we’re going to accept you, Kozume. I’m actually questioning my own gender right now, so if you ever want to talk about it more, I’m here. I cannot wait to see you when you’re ready, and I’m going to crush you into a hug because I know you need it. I’ll make sure not to overwhelm you with it. I’m also really sorry about earlier that must’ve been really uncomfortable. Finally, thank you for telling us, that must’ve taken a lot of courage. ❤️

I could hear Bokuto’s shocked squawk from the other room about Akaashi’s gender, and I couldn’t help but let a small laugh escape. Kuro gave me a happy look with a hint of I told you so, and I just stuck my tongue out at him before quickly responding to the texts. 

Me: I’m glad. I forgive you, you had no idea. You can talk to me about that too :)

Akaashi: 👍🏻

After that text came through, I pulled out my psp and decided to switch to Monster Hunter. I was bored of Kirby. The game helped me wind down after that tumultuous situation. Tetsu focused on some school work next to me, and having him there made me feel so much better. We were no longer cuddling, but I longed to still be touching him. It would just be weird for us, best friends who were already kind of touchy, to be touchy to the point of a couple. That would be especially agonizing since we will never be a couple, so I guess I get a reprieve from the intense desire to kiss Tetsurou. It stayed a regular amount of desire to kiss him, and that I could live with. 

Soon after we settled like this, there was a knock on Kuro’s door that I could only assume to be Akaashi, but if I had to guess, Bokuto was not far behind. 

“Come in,” Kuro called from his spot on the bed. The door slowly creaked open, and so Akaashi and Bokuto’s faces came into view.

“We’re hitting the hay early because Bokuto has practice tomorrow morning. I just wanted to say goodnight, and that we’re here for you and proud of you, Kozume. I also realized something that needed to be addressed. What sort of pronouns would you like us to use for you?” Akaashi asked. Bokuto looked like he was using all of his energy to stay constrained and quiet, and I felt thankful. It was easier for me to address and answer Akaashi on this issue than it would’ve been for Bokuto. He likely would’ve overwhelmed me. I took a second to think about how to answer the question itself, but my answer came to me quickly. He/him pronouns in reference to myself feel gross.

“They/them, but only with the four of us. I’m not out to anyone else yet. Um, thanks for asking.” I could feel my voice become quieter as I thanked him, but I felt incredibly grateful to Akaashi in those moments. Why did I keep forgetting to address pronouns when coming out to people? Ughhh. 

“Of course,” Akaashi responded warmly. I noticed Tetsu taking in this information gratefully, and I was glad. Then, Bokuto finally burst. 

“Goodnight Kuroo and Kozume!! Thank you for telling us, Kozume!” Bokuto chirped. I just politely nodded in response. This use of my family name so frequently made me think on it. Would I rather just have everybody call me Kumi? Kozume felt so formal and stuffy, and I wasn’t particularly fond of the system of respect with names in Japan. 

“Goodnight guys, your alarm is set, right Bokuto?” Tetsu asked.

“Yep!” 

“Good. Hopefully you’ll fall back asleep after hearing that monster,” Tetsu slyly proclaimed, pointing his finger at Akaashi. Tetsu told me later about how loud Bokuto’s alarm was because of how deeply he slept. 

“I think I’ll survive,” Akaashi responded with a calm shrug. 

“Alright. See you guys tomorrow!”

“See ya!” Bokuto responded. Akaashi then hesitated before speaking again.

“Kozume, would you like that hug I promised?” I wasn’t going to deny him. I knew I could use a hug after the whirlwind of today, and that Akaashi would give me a good hug instead of an overwhelming one. I nodded and walked over to him, allowing him to hug me with conviction. I sank into it gratefully. The hug was just calm, not charged with feelings, and it was nice. After I let go and headed back to the futon I was sitting on, Akaashi carefully closed the door and went with Bokuto to his room. Tetsu and I just returned to our rhythm with little bits of conversation peppered in until he grew too tired to concentrate on his homework. Lets just say this took hours after our 5 pm coffees. He then opened his mouth before closing it again before opening it again, and I could only assume he was about to call me the wrong name. I was relieved that said name did not come out. 

“Kumi? Can I ask you a serious question?” I hated being vulnerable, and I hated serious conversations, so this prospect terrified me, especially after today, but I knew better than to deny Tetsu. Our trust was built on communication, although our communication was often nonverbal with how much I hate talking. Luckily, he knew what my signals meant and he understood. He never resented or was rude to me for being so quiet either. For as long as I can remember, if he ever had a problem with me not saying something, I deserved it. 

“Hm?” This implored him to go on. My nerves kept my leg bouncing like a maniac, but nevertheless, I persevered. This was Tetsurou, and with him, things were going to be ok. Our experience a few weeks ago taught me that well, well mostly. I’m not so sure how it would go if I actually found the courage to confess my love for him. I tried not to imagine that image.

“How did you figure out you are nonbinary? Was it hard?” I was caught off guard, although I knew I would be, though he started talking again before I got over my shock. 

“I’m sorry for springing this onto you like this, especially right now, but I know you tend to not talk about things, and I really wanted to get a better sense of what happened and therefore understand you better. I also feel like I talk at you all the time and you never get the chance to talk at me about your feelings so please, talk at me about your feelings. Let me help you like you help me.” This action left me a little more stunned, but I knew he was right. I tend to bottle things up, and that can become really bad if I let it get that far. Bottling up my turmoil about my gender these past couple of years did so much more harm than good, and I knew that telling Tetsu everything would benefit both of us. I breathed in and out and prepared myself to talk. 

I told him everything. I told him how my name always made me feel funny (hence why I didn’t like him calling me Kenma when he first started doing it), I told him about my body hair dysphoria and what happened with it at the end of my first year, and I told him about my exploration of fashion and my disdain for being so different. I told him of how I’d always felt like the odd one out, so I kept to myself before he came along and did not instantly dislike me. I told him about how I avoided coming to terms with being nonbinary until midway through my first year. I then told him how I kept it a secret from everyone for almost two years after that and how exhausting it was, pretending. I talked about how I’m not looking forward to returning to school as a boy, but that coming out to the whole school was way too much at that point. I told him everything I could think of about my journey and challenges as a nonbinary person, and I thanked him for always staying by my side throughout. At points it was difficult for me to keep going, but Kuro would always give me some sort of encouragement, or comfort. He would always do something that to me shouted loud and clear “I am here for you,” and I really appreciated it. 

As I talked, I noticed his face change suddenly several times. He would seem shocked, but then quickly become composed again, often staring sullenly at the ground. A lot of the things that used to confuse him when we were younger surely made sense to him now, and this was a relief for both of us. It felt good for me to let this all out too despite how much I dislike talking. Kuro also seemed angered by how much I suffered silently, though I knew he understood why I never told him. 

“Kumi, thank you for telling me all this. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you with it,” Tetsu told me in such a sincerely anguished tone. I could see the fire in his eyes, the anger at society for making me think the way I did. I chuckled at that last bit. 

“But Tetsu, you were there for me the whole time, begging me to talk to you and comforting me throughout those rough patches. I chose not to tell you and you have nothing to apologize for.” He looked up at me with eyes shining with relief, content that he did his duty. 

“Oh. Thank goodness.”

I nodded. Yes, thank goodness he was there.

As we slept next to eachother that night, we both felt lighter, and it was some how not nearly as cold either. Some cheesy part of me wanted to say it was the warmth in our hearts, but logically, I knew it was just that the a/c system was set to a higher temperature. That dumb, sappy part of me still wanted to believe in the former.


	7. Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Kumi and Kuro go shopping, and Kumi and Akaashi must grapple with leaving behind their favorite boys.

Unfortunately, Kuro was already awake and working at his tiny desk when I woke up, and the deprivation of cuddling was disheartening. What I saw when I opened my phone, on the other hand, was much more positive news. 

Cats and Owls

Bokuto: AKAASHI LOVES ME!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Akaashi: What Bokuto-san is trying to say is that we are now a couple : )

Bokuto: I thought I articulated that just fine!!

Akaashi: They could’ve thought you meant platonically.

Bokuto: Oh. Whoops, anyways, I’m so happy!!!

Akaashi: Me too : )

9:45 am

Kuro: Congrats, guys!

Akaashi: Thank you : )

I assumed Bokuto has not responded because he is still practicing. I’m sure a college team is a lot stricter than a highschool team about phones, and Kuro always used to berate me if I pulled mine out. 

Me: Congrats : )

Akaashi: Thanks, Kozume!

The rest of the morning flowed rather smoothly. The three of us all worked on school work, although Kuro had to keep pestering me to keep me focused. School is not my forte. I’d much rather play video games than do homework. Usually I managed not to fail with Kuro’s help. Admittedly, I’ve been a bit more motivated this year because I need to study hard to get into college, and I also know that I can’t just depend on Kuro like I used to. That morning, I managed to get successfully caught up with my math work, so I took it as a win. 

I could feel myself starting to take Kuro’s presence almost for granted, but I tried not to knowing that I would be leaving later that day. I did my very best to soak up our interractions and ingrain them in my brain for later. They would hopefully make me happy when I was trying to fall asleep over the next few weeks without him. Our conversation from last night was going to linger in my head for a long time after this.

That afternoon, Kuro had another surprise planned for me. 

“Kumi! Come on! Get in loser, we’re going shopping.” Kuro called with that stupid smirk of his. His confidence was so goddamn sexy and I ate it up like sunshine, especially after watching him get to this confident place over the years. Thinking about it made my heart melt. Obviously such a confident guy would never like someone who’s cripplingly insecure. Sigh. It took me a minute to process what actually came out of his mouth. Shopping? Oh god why…

“Shopping? Kuro, are you sure about this?”

“It’ll be good for you! You told me a lot about your issues with self expression last night, and logically this is the best way to help with that! Don’t worry about me breaking the bank or anything I told your mom and she sent me some money,” Kuro explained. His confidence was slowly replaced with urgency as he rushed to get the words out of his mouth and convince me to go shopping with him. I considered for a moment before realizing that this was going to make me happy. Kuro was not going to judge me for my style, whatever it actually is, and the clothes would surely make me feel more comfortable in myself. 

“Ok sure. Let me go grab something.” I decided that today I was going to wear my choker. If I was ever going to feel confident in clothes that make me feel good, I needed to get used to people staring at me. This necklace was a baby step, but I needed to take it if I ever wanted to advance onto bigger and better things. Kuro looked surprised to see me in it, but he quickly adjusted. 

“I didn’t realized you still owned that. It looks nice,” he told me. His confidence seems to be long gone, though I don’t know what happened to it. He seemed a little bit more restless now too, fiddling with his hands, and I could not picture why. That was what frustrated me to no end. 

“Thanks,” I told him before we finally walked out the door. Akaashi was already gone. He went to go meet Bokuto after practice. As I thought about it, I realized it probably would be wise to keep the house empty for the new couple. 

I was surprised to see so many cool looking items once we made it to the shopping area. I don’t think I ever properly realized how stylish Kuro is. That probably has a lot to do with how little I’ve been paying attention to fashion in the first place. I think I subconsciously decided not to think about fashion because of how uncomfortable I felt with it. 

Speaking of fashion, hardly anyone gave me a second glance about my choker and I felt so liberated. So many other people were wearing loud, crazy outfits. A choker was nothing in this space, and it made me feel safe, yet I was no longer leaving my comfort zone. I’ll have to save doing that for another day.

His outfit today was rather stylish too. He wore a checkered sweatshirt with a red rose on it, black jeans ripped at the knee, and some black adidas sneakers. I was just in my usual pathetic sweats and old volleyball sneakers. Pathetic, I know, but that’s why we were out shopping. 

I already found several pieces that I liked at the first store, including a couple of more chokers. I also bought some loose black pants and big black boots from that first store. Kuro looked just as happy as I felt, and it was weird to me. I tried to just shake it off and continue with my shopping, but three shirts, two pairs of jeans, and a bunch of accessories later, I could not get it out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, I was ecstatic about my new purchases, but he was too and I was so perplexed. Of course he realized something was on my mind soon enough. We were almost home by the time he finally addressed it. 

“Just say it already. I know you’re dying to say something, just spit it out.” He looked at me with that unrelenting gaze, goading me to just say it. It was not too overbearing. There was a softness in this gaze too. I did not even have to look to know since I’ve felt it so many times. 

“Tetsurou, you’ve looked ecstatic all day, yet you have not bought anything for yourself. Why?” I asked. Tetsu furrowed his eyebrows as he thought of how to respond, and I soon noticed that his cheeks were a little pink. Maybe that was just the sun? 

“Because you’ve been so happy all day, and I’m happy when you’re happy.” Now that one made my stomach do flips. At the same time, I could say the same about him. Seeing him fervently enjoy volleyball brought me joy, and contributed to my enjoyment and continuation of the sport. I just sort of rubbed his arm to try and show him my appreciation of him and acknowledgement of what he said. I was not ready to tell him I felt the same, yet I think he already knew.

We’d just walked into the house as Tetsu was telling me that. I quickly spotted Akaashi looking on in shock, and I was so confused as to why. Did Tetsu really say something that out of turn? We’re best friends after all... The next thing I knew, he was typing furiously. Bokuto was asleep on his shoulder, thank god. He quickly composed himself and asked about our trip as he typed. 

“It was great. Kumi bought so many awesome pieces!” Tetsu exclaimed. Hearing my name made me feel so affirmed, and hearing Tetsu say he liked the pieces made me feel relief. Just then, Bokuto woke up and noticed all of the bags. 

“Kozume!! You need to show us your awesome clothes!!” he exclaimed as he stirred. Akaashi did not have time to come up with his own answer before Bokuto chimed in, but he piped in soon after. 

“Yes, please show us your clothes, Kozume.” Akaashi looked curious and excited. I didn’t like all this attention. I felt a little nervous, knowing that those two might judge me for my taste, but something about their eager expressions and the atmosphere of the room made me feel comfortable enough to show them. 

“We should do a fashion show and see how gorgeous they look on Kumi themself,” Tetsurou said. I blushed at that one. Did he really think I would look gorgeous?! I started to spiral into gay panic. 

“I don’t think we’d have time for that before Kozume and I have to leave...” Akaashi informed him. ‘Oh right, we have to leave...’ I thought. Everything in me did not want to leave Tetsu’s side, especially since I didn’t know when I would be able to see him again. I think the mention of that brought down the mood of not just me, but the whole room. We spent the final hour talking listlessly to eachother, trying to absorb eachother’s presences before Akaashi and I had to leave. I did show all of my new clothes to the group and model an outfit for them, and I received entirely positive comments, thank god. I think they were a bit shocked upon seeing the things I picked, but not very surprised. It felt really nice to be complimented for my style, this part of who I am I’ve struggled with for years because of my gender. I changed out of the outfit before we left though because I wasn’t ready for my parents to see it, but I kept on a choker that they might not even notice because it felt good. 

Goodbyes were the worst. Tetsu and I were wrapped up in a hug for at least five minutes, and I could already feel a chilling sadness start to creep into me. I couldn’t help but be envious of the goodbye kiss Akaashi and Bokuto shared. At the same time, I was also happy for them both no matter how much I ached for that from Tetsurou. 

“I’m going to miss you so much, Kumi,” Tetsu told me as we walked out the door. I wanted to scream about how much I would miss him, but the words would not come out of my mouth. I felt as if everything was closing in on me and I could do nothing. Just as Akaashi was closing the door to their apartment, I finally managed to choke out “I’ll miss you too... Tetsurou.” The bit of Tetsu’s wistful smile I caught through the crack in the door gave me a bit of seratonin. At least I said something. Akaashi wrapped a firm arm around my shoulder as we dragged our duffel bags to his car. Once we made it to his car, it was like we breathed a breath of fresh air. We’d stepped out of Narnia and back into the real world. 

“Ready for another three weeks of seeing reminders of our favorite people everywhere we go yet they’re nowhere in sight?” Akaashi asked in a sarcastically cheery tone. He didn’t strike me as the type to talk like this. I think he even surprised himself with that one. We’re both the type who are much more open over text, but I think he was just trying to cope, and I couldn’t blame him. Not only was he missing Bokuto, but his entire friend group of kids the year ahead of him. That must’ve really hurt. I just sighed resignedly in response. 

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I told him as he started up the car. The ride home was a lot more subdued than the ride to Tokyo. We were mostly silent, but it was a comfortable silence. We were both going through the same things and we found solace in each other.

“Good luck, Kozume,” Akaashi called to me as I walked up to my front door. 

“You too,” I told him with a weary smile as he drove away. My mother had already opened the door and was demanding to see my new clothes. I just brushed her off and told her it was just more of what I usually wore, sweatpants and such. I wasn’t ready to tell her about what they actually were. I think she noticed my choker too, but she didn’t comment on it. At least she was not mad about it, although going into the house with it on was a bit terrifying. Now it was done, and I did not have to worry about it. I spent the rest of the night absorbed in videogames, attempting to forget that Tetsurou used to sit next to me and help me through homework on these nights. As I fell asleep, I used my new good memories of Kuro to make me feel better. I imagined him cuddling me just as he did Saturday morning as I drifted into dreamland.


	8. Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at home, Kumi must face a few things.

The next few weeks were the same old dread. Akaashi and I continued our texting in a similar rhythm, except him and Bokuto were now dating so he no longer had to pine, only yearn for his boyfriend’s presence. He kept begging me to confess to Tetsu too, insisting that we’re basically married already and that we need to make it official, damnit. I kept staunchly refusing. I never noticed any changes in Tetsurou’s behavior that could indicate that he likes me, so why should I take that much of a risk and completely ruin our friendship? Yes, it is very difficult to deal with pining for your best friend, but it would be way worse to not have him in my life at all. 

All of this was nothing new. My life was just as pathetic as before we went to visit Tetsurou and Bokuto, it was just that now Akaashi was trying to get me to confess, and I now had pretty clothes that were just sitting in my dresser. I never went anywhere worth wearing them to, and putting all of that on just for a walk to 7/11 was way too much effort and anxiety.

There have been other issues too. My mother has noticed my obsession with chokers. They’re just so easy to put on, and they make me feel so good, even when I’m just sitting in my bed playing video games. I have reason to believe she heard Kuro call me Kumi as well. The walls were not very thick in our house, and I’d lost my headphones a good amount of times. Luckily, she hadn’t asked about it, but she seemed uneasy knowing something was up, and I had to tell her eventually. 

As the tension over it started to rise in my house, I knew I wanted it to end. Even my dad, who’s often away on business trips, was clued that something’s up, and they’ve both been treating me rather carefully. They’re both pretty open minded so I knew it was probably safe, so I decided to ask Kuro for advice on our next video call. Soon after we both got on and he talked for a bit, he figured out that I wanted to ask something. I was just going to wait til he finished talking to ask about it, but this worked too. 

“Spit it out, Kumi,” he told me bluntly. That lazy smile was on his face as he focused on me. It was one of my favorites of his faces, so it made me feel a bit better about what I was going to ask. I took in a big gulp of air before I began talking. I’d been trying to work on the phrasing all day so that I could hopefully get the best advice, and if he did not have any new advice to offer me, a bit of his courage and support would suffice. 

“My parents have started to notice that something’s up and it’s been.. messing with the atmosphere of the house. I know you would never dream of nicely coming out to your mother, but… you’re better at talking to people then I am. Help?” He thought about it for a minute before speaking. The suspense was a little much on me, but I knew he was just looking for the right words. 

“Just remember that everything will be ok going into this. They are probably going to accept you as you are, and if they don’t, I’ll always have your back. Just take the train to town and Bokuto and I will be right there for you. We’d also love to beat their asses if that happens but I doubt you want that.” I rolled my eyes at the last bit. Tetsurou knew exactly what I needed to hear, and it made me feel so much better. Even if things did not go well, I had a backup plan that also involved living with the love of my life. I quickly realized that doing so might not be the best plan in retrospect, but as his best friend, it was good to know he was here for me. 

“Thank you, Tetsurou.” 

“Always. Also, would you and ‘Kaashi like to come up this weekend? Bokuto doesn’t have practice and I only have a two hour shift!” Tetsurou relayed to me triumphantly. The way he said always almost gave me heart palpitations, but I tried to keep my cool the best I could as I enthusiastically nodded. 

“I’m sure Akaashi wants to come and I’m sure Bokuto probably already asked.”

“Perfect.” Kuro responded with a smirk. Damnit. This meant he was up to something, and I had no clue what it was. Usually when it was just the two of us at home I could tell what it was immediately by his body language and whatever he was doing with his hands, but over the screen, those antics were impossible, and I had a hunch this was much bigger than our childhood antics. I think he could see the slight dread on my face. 

“Don’t worry, Kumi. I’m going to make sure we have the best weekend ever, alright?” He winked. He fucking winked. I just weakly nodded. I think he became a bit more nervous upon seeing my apprehension, but he ended the call soon after that so I did not get to investigate those emotions any further. 

I came out to my parents on a wednesday. My dad was supposed to be home that day. Just like with Tetsurou, I wrote them a letter because I knew I would not be able to handle a negative reaction in person. I was nervous all day that day, and my team could tell that something was on my mind and affecting my performance. 

“You ok, Kozume-san?” Shibayama asked right after we finished practicing that afternoon. His mouth twitched nervously; he was probably scared that I was going to lash out at him or something with my severe rbf that only multiplies when I’m stressed, but that was not on my agenda today. He was a nice kid, and I could tell he just wanted to help.

“I’m fine. You should probably get back to practice.” I told him in a bored tone. He just solemnly nodded and was off. He saw that I did not want to talk about it and ran off. I appreciated that. Oh what I would’ve given to not even talk about it with Tetsurou, but to receive his comfort. That was all I wanted that day, but I had to push on. I had important things to do later. 

Once I returned home, I set the letter I wrote onto the dining room table and rushed up to my room. The letter itself was similar to the one I wrote to Tetsurou except I did a lot more explaining in it. I also had to account for more logical things for them to do if they didn’t accept me. 

I tried my best to forget about it as I went about the rest of my night. Video games were a helpful distraction, but they were not enough to completely keep my mind off of my parents. After a few hours of deliberation, I finally received word from my parents in the form of a letter slipped under my door. I appreciated that they did not just bombard me with their faces and force me to see their physical reaction. I quickly scooped up the letter from my floor and read it as fast as I possibly could. 

Kumi,  
You picked a really nice name, dear. I can’t say that your father and I are shocked. We’ve suspected that you might turn out gay or something for a long time, but we never wanted to bring it up with you or make you feel weird about it. We’d never heard of nonbinary before today, but we’ve turned to the sites you left for us and it makes a lot of sense. If there is anything we can do to help you deal with this as parents, please let us know. It also might take us a few days to adjust to the new name and pronouns so I apologize if we mess up. We love you so much and we are so proud of you for telling us, Kumi!  
Love,   
Mom and Dad

I cried into my pillow from the overwhelming relief that came onto me. I was safe, and I was loved, and what more could I ask for? I texted Tetsurou as soon as I recovered.

Me: My parents accept me!! 

Tetsu: Good. I would’ve had some ass to beat if they didn’t. 

Tetsurou took a while to respond, and my guess is that it was from jealousy. Because I couldn’t just give him a fucking hug, I knew I had to spew out some words of comfort to him. 

Me: Even though your mom’s a piece of shit, your other parents I’m sure will always be there for you, Tetsurou.

Tetsu: 🥰🥰🥰. You always know what I need to hear, Kumi. Thank you. 🥺❤️

Me: 👍🏻💕

We then facetimed and he told me all about his crazy shift at work today. I felt some semblance of normalcy again.


	9. Another Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Kumi offers guidance and contemplates some things.

Once Friday rolled around, I was once again distracted in school from my excitement. Shouyou told me that his excitement for me was distracting him too, and I told him that he needed to focus. I did still need to tell him of my gender, but I was a little uneasy for fear of word getting to the whole of the Karasuno volleyball team. As much as I loved Shouyou, I did not trust him to keep his mouth shut. He would surely let it spill unintentionally at some point. 

I felt nervous as Akaashi’s car pulled up for when my parents would see my outfit. Seeing people that I felt so comfortable with yet did not see very often felt like a good occasion to wear my new clothes for. I wore my choker with a crescent moon pendant, a black t-shirt with sonic on it, some flowy grey pants, and my black boots. I felt so powerful in the outfit it was astounding, but the thought of my parents seeing me in it made me sulk. 

As soon as I saw Akaashi’s car, I sped down the stairs as quietly as possible (though it was not very quiet because of my new shoes), and raced out the door as quick as I could. I didn’t bother saying goodbye to my mother; she wasn’t expecting it, but I think she saw me from behind as I approached Akaashi’s car. 

Mom: You don’t have to hide yourself from us. I know that I would have never picked that outfit, but you being yourself and wearing what makes you feel good is important. 

Instant relief. Knowing that I really could just be myself with my mom was important. 

Me: Oh ok. Good. 

I was finishing the text as I settled myself in Akaashi’s car, and he complimented my outfit soon after I sent it. 

“Looking good, Kozume.” 

“Thanks.” 

I felt so confident in the clothes, more so than I had ever felt, and it was new, weird, and nice. For once, I did not feel the need to shrink myself. I sat with my legs relaxed instead of cramped together and stared out the window as Akaashi calmly drove. I would’ve been playing my psp if I wasn’t trying to preserve it’s power. It was low on power after today and I couldn’t charge it until we made it to Tetsu and Bokuto’s apartment. This calm did not last long since Akaashi asked after Tetsurou again. 

“Please tell me you are going to confess to Kuroo-san? It’s painfully obvious that he’s in love with you.”

“I would’ve noticed by now if my best friend of over ten years would develop a crush on me.” Akaashi sighed at this. Instead of giving up here like he usually did, he tried to think of a good response, and what he said blew me away. 

“But Kozume, what if you have been too insecure in yourself to even properly fathom the concept or think it a possibility, allowing it to completely escape your notice? It’s what happened to me with Koutarou, after all.” Shit. What if he was right? This weekend, I was going to actually look for any signs of the sort. I never noticed anything because I never looked for it. I was going to definitively figure out if he liked me or not, but wouldn’t he have confessed by now if he did? He’s usually very up front about his crushes, though his relationships hardly ever lasted very long, and I was almost glad for it. Tetsurou never seemed to dejected after the breakups, so I could only assume it was never very serious. I know if he was sad, I surely would’ve felt bad. 

I was deep in thought about this for a while, and Akaashi took care not to disturb me, that is until an important question came to his mind. 

“Kozume, um, if you don’t mind, I could use a little guidance on my gender.” I looked up at him imploring him to go on. Although he was driving, I was sure he could feel my gaze, especially since he soon continued.

“I think I might also be nonbinary, but I also might just be male, and I’m really confused. I feel repulsed by the thought of appearing overly masculine, or like a manly man, yet I don’t feel a large pull to anything feminine or androgyny. I feel comfortable in my name and my pronouns as well, but these repulsions won’t disappear however much I will them to. Do you think I really am nonbinary, or male, or just confused?” he asked. I tried my best to organize the many thoughts that came to my mind before answering his question. So many things were just jumping out at me that it took me a minute or two to even try and make my thoughts coherent. 

“Your gender is not for me to decide. That is for you to figure out. What you’ve described does not match my experience, but truly, anything that’s not just a boy or a girl is still nonbinary so you could be nonbinary. I have a list of other labels that I can send you that are more specific nonbinary identities. Would that help?” Akaashi looked like a changed person in hearing that there even are more specific nonbinary identities.

“Yes, please. Thank you so much, Kozume.” After how stuffy Kozume felt to me lately, I knew that I was going to tell my friends to call me Kumi soon. I was done with stupid formalities. I just nodded in acknowledgement of his thanks before we slowly shifted into more casual conversation for the last ten minutes of the car ride. Tetsurou was so near now, and I could almost taste the joy he was going to bring me.

Returning to Tetsurou and Bokuto’s apartment was so calming. Multiple tackle hugs occurred, and of course Bokuto and Akaashi kissed. Usually that sort of thing overwhelmed me, but aggressively putting myself into Tetsurou’s arms felt fantastic. He seemed a bit in shock upon seeing me, I guessed it was just the clothes which were very different from the sweats I used to always wear. I only regretted how soon I had to leave his arms. 

“Kumi... you look great,” Tetsurou told me as soon as we broke apart. 

“Thanks.” My face started to flush and I willed it to stop doing that. The part of me that’s in love with him was basking in it, but the logical part of me was screaming at myself that the compliment was surely not meant in that way. It was just an improvement of wardrobe, that’s all. He did not seem to be looking at me in a way that signaled an intensified affection either, and so I continued to ache as usual, knowing that I would never have the chance to kiss Kuroo Tetsurou. After Akaashi’s insistence earlier, I tried to look for signs that Tetsurou liked me, but I found nothing at first. He was acting completely normally as we all chatted for those first couple of hours, what signs were there in this?

For dinner, we just ate microwave ramen cups, and I could not blame Tetsurou and Bokuto for planning on this meal. College budgets are shit. I think we all enjoyed it too, so that counts for something. 

After dinner we all decided to put on a movie. We fought over what movie to put on. We all agreed on putting on a marvel movie, but we could not decide which one. After everyone campaigned for their favorite’s movie (mine is Ironman), we finally decided to watch the avengers. There would be something for everyone in it. 

As the movie progressed, I could feel Tetsurou creeping closer to me and he eventually put his arm around me during the first fight scene. Bokuto and Akaashi were both on top of eachother in the chair because Kuro and I both called spots on the couch. I flinched at the contact at first because I wasn’t expecting it, but I quickly settled into it. Externally, I tried to stay calm and collected, but internally, I was panicking. After everything Akaashi told me, I was not sure if this was a friendship arm or a romantic arm and I really wanted to be sure which it was. At the same time, I was trying my hardest to savor this physical contact with Tetsurou as much as I could considering we only had a few days together before Akaashi and I left again. Because of all of these (gay) thoughts, I struggled to pay attention to the movie. 

“Hey Hey Hey!! That movie was awesome!!” Bokuto exclaimed as the credits started to roll. 

“Yeah.” Akaashi responded. A small smile was on his face, in particular, his “fuck I’m so in love with Bokuto” smile, as I’ve dubbed it. Luckily, we did not talk much about the actual plot, until we retreated to our rooms. As soon as he shut the door, Tetsu was raving about it. 

“Oh my god Kumi that scene at the end when...” Kuroo raved, detailing major spoilers that I am not going to include because of the spoilers. I casually nodded as he talked along. I vaguely remembered most of the stuff he was talking about, but I wasn’t paying enough attention to the movie to really understand it. Eventually, Tetsu became suspicious of my lack of speech. Usually I gave him a little bit of reply, especially with movies like this. 

“Kumi, why haven’t you responded to me? You usually have the best stuff to say about these movies!” Tetsu exclaimed. I gave a resigned sigh before building up the courage to admit my inattentiveness.

“... I had a hard time paying attention to the movie because I was too focused on other things. Sorry.” Surely Tetsu could tell how vague this was, but I was not about to admit to the crisis I was having, wait, still am having. 

“Oh, ok.” He could tell I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t elaborate, and I was grateful he didn’t prod. We spent the rest of the night in a comfortable silence until we went to bed.

“Goodnight, Kumi.”

“Night, Tetsurou.”

And after that, Tetsu turned the lights off and we were left to the darkness.


	10. Saturday Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read the title.

The next morning, I was dismayed to find that Tetsu was not next to me, but I soon remembered that he had the morning shift today. As I stood up and headed towards the door so that I could go to the bathroom, I noticed something that looked vaguely like a present on Tetsu’s dresser. ‘That wasn’t there last night...’ I thought. There was a small card on top of it that I quickly opened, and I found that it was for me.

Kumi~,  
I just thought I’d leave you a little surprise to remind you how wonderful you are. I hope you enjoy!  
Tetsurou <3

Tetsu didn’t usually do things like this. It felt suspicious. I opened the box to find heart shaped chocolates. Heart shaped chocolates!! Best friends don’t just get eachother heart shaped chocolates do they?! Was I going insane or was Akaashi actually right?! Oh fuck. What if he was just messing with me? Wait, Tetsurou isn’t that cruel is he? I was too nervous to eat them in case it meant something about my feelings to him. I needed to talk this out with someone. 

I reluctantly padded into the living room to find Bokuto and Akaashi snuggled up on the couch only sort of doing homework. Akaashi immediately looked up at me and figured out I had something to say. Usually only Tetsu could read my subtle facial signals, but I really must’ve been dying to talk about this. 

“Kozume, is there something you need to talk about?” He asked. Bokuto then looked up and saw me.

“Kozume! Hey hey hey!” Bokuto chimed. During the brief silence that followed, I nodded before trying to figure out how to put my current predicament into words. I was comfortable sharing with Bokuto in the room because Akaashi told him of my predicament and made him promise not to tell Tetsu. 

“Tetsurou left me heart shaped chocolates this morning, and I don’t know what the hell it means,” I said with a groan. Akaashi, the bastard, bursted into laughter.

“Kozume!! Are you seriously going to doubt that it means that he likes you?!” Akaashi questioned me. I narrowed my eyes at him. 

“But what if he’s just messing with me because he figured out I like him?” I was about to walk out because this was not helpful, but then Bokuto decided to be of some use to me. 

“Oh my god Kozume!! As another one of Kuroo’s best bros, you’re gonna have to trust me on this one, but Kuroo has no clue that you like him! I also think there’s a good chance he likes you back, especially after those chocolates!” This was a bit of solace to me, but it could not completely give me solace because the words did not come out of Tetsu’s mouth. I thanked them both before retreating back to Tetsu’s room to distract myself in the best way I knew how; video games. They lasted me a while during my gender crisis, so surely they could distract me for this last hour before Tetsu returned home. I also made sure to text Tetsurou because I needed answers asap. 

Me: Hey, uh, thanks for the chocolates, but can you please come straight to your room once you get home? I really need to talk to you about something. 

Tetsu: Any time, Kumi ~, I’ll be there. 

Me: 👍🏻

I didn’t expect another response because he was at work and very busy, so I completely absorbed myself into my psp. Soon enough, I heard a soft knock on the door that I knew was Tetsurou; he’d knocked on my bedroom door in that way many times before. 

“Come in, it’s your room, stupid,” I called, and the door slowly creaked open before Tetsurou slid through the doorway and softly closed it again. He then sat down next to me on the futon rather carefully.

“What is it?” Tetsurou asked softly. He seemed worried, and I couldn’t blame him. I was terrified. I just knew I was going to go insane if I did not get answers. 

“Tetsu, your behavior has changed towards me and I want to know why. You usually don’t do things like wrap your arm around me and give me heart shaped chocolates like we’re married,” I inquired. He sighed and cradled his head in his hands as he searched for the proper answer. He was definitely trying to seem calm and collected, but I could tell he was bothered anyways. I couldn’t figure out exactly why either, which made me feel more crazy. 

“Because being away from you has shown me how much I care about you, and I wanted to show it,” he finally answered. Goddamnit that’s ambiguous as hell! Before I could stop myself I blurted out

“Which is how much?” of course he needed to take another second before answering damnit. Damnit I was becoming impatient. 

“Like, actually an insane amount,” he finally answered. Damnit Tetsu. I knew that and it did not tell me anything!!

“Like in what way?” I felt coming out of my mouth. My filter was completely gone and my words were no longer mine to control. I could feel my voice growing louder. Tetsurou was completely silent after that question, and I was not going to stand for that. After waiting this long for him to get home along with pining for years, I was not going to be satisfied without an answer. 

“GODDAMNIT, TETSUROU! I SWEAR TO GOD I AM GOING TO FLIP MY LID IF YOU DON’T TELL ME IN WHAT WAY YOU LIKE ME RIGHT NOW I HAVE BEEN PINING FOR YEARS AND THEN YOU SUDDENLY GO AND DO... THIS SHIT AND CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME!! DAMNIT!” I was clutching onto his shirt and shaking him the whole time I yelled, quickly letting go and backing away as soon as I finished. Tetsurou was completely stunned, and I was too. I could not believe what I’d just told him. I was mortified, and I could feel my face rapidly becoming a tomato. 

“You like me?” of course was the first thing that came out of his fucking mouth. Great way to avoid the question! We already addressed that!

“I’m not saying it again until you answer my question.” Tetsurou then took a deep breath and prepared himself to speak. In that moment, I felt as if I was going to vomit because I had no idea what he was about to tell me. I was about to find out whether he returned my feelings and the prospect of them being unrequited was absolutely chilling. Thankfully, that moment did not last long.

“Kumi, I’m in love with you. I apologize for keeping that from you for so long. I think we were always oblivious idiots, but we’re here now,” he told me with the fondest little smile on his face. I felt this great happiness bubble through me at hearing those words along with excitement that I could finally show him these feelings.

“Tetsurou, I’m in love with you too. Can I kiss you?” I couldn’t help but ask. My voice was back down to it’s normal volume, but I knew Tetsurou could see how genuine this was. 

“Please do,” he told me with so much longing in his voice that I thought we were both going to die if I didn’t kiss him in that moment, and so my lips went crashing into his, and I felt true bliss. I ran my fingers through his wild hair as he deepened the kiss, pulling me closer to him. It was fire and it was rain. It was electric, yet it felt as if I was home. It was us. I could only dream that the kiss would never end, but of course we both had to breathe. We both panted heavily afterwards because it lasted so long, and I was still in his arms. 

“Lets do that again, shall we?” Tetsu asked playfully, this time I was the one who responded with an ever so longing “Yes,”

We spent the next couple of hours making out. Tetsu gave me some hickeys, and it was heavenly. This was only interrupted by a knock at about 2:30.

“Hey, so I’m sure you guys are having a fantastic time in there, but you both need to eat,” Akaashi told us without opening the door. Wait. How did he know?! We weren’t that noisy were we? Tetsurou let out a resigned sigh before putting both of our shirts back on and carrying me to the kitchen. I could’ve became used to this, but I knew I needed to savor every moment before it was gone from me again.

“Hello, newlyweds,” Akaashi greeted us once we made it to the kitchen, only causing us both to blush profusely.

“How did you-“ Tetsu started before he was cut off.

“Oh don’t you worry. I have my ways. Onigiri? Bokuto and I ordered it earlier.” Upon hearing his name, Bokuto unlatched his gaze from the tv screen and started talking to us.

“Hey hey hey! Congrats you two!!” It really felt kind of stupid. We literally never told them anything. How did they know? Were we just that oblivious of each other the whole time? As someone who’s really good at reading other people, I felt particularly stupid. We both quickly thanked them before munching on the onigiri. 

The rest of the afternoon went rather smoothly, we probably spent hours talking with Bokuto and Akaashi about the mess of our relationships. Firstly, Bokuto and Tetsu did intentionally make it colder our first night staying last time and ending up in eachothers arms was a ploy! God those dumbasses nothing happened! I also found out that Akaashi and Tetsu made a deal in which they would both confess?! Now that was news to me, but apparently Bokuto confessed first, rendering the deal null and void in Tetsu’s eyes. I think I am going to have to thank Akaashi every day for the rest of my life for pressuring us both to confess. Bokuto and Akaashi also didn’t use that afternoon like we thought they would. They spent most of it practicing volleyball instead. Typical. I should not have been surprised, but I’m actually a bit of a horny bastard so that’s why my mind went where it did. Speaking of Akaashi, he seemed a little spacey at points during the conversation. I guessed it had to do with our conversation from the car ride yesterday. I hoped that he found closure for himself soon, but he was also in no rush.

We all chose to watch Whisper of the Heart, a beautiful romance by studio ghibli, because we quickly figured out our collective longing to cuddle with our partners while watching a romance movie. Bokuto called it our first double date, and everyone else quickly agreed. At first, I was completely enveloped in Tetsu’s arms, but once the more intense parts of the movie started coming up, I felt him hiding into me, so we switched positions. It was difficult for me to hold someone who was so much taller than me in my arms, but I tried my best because I knew it was what he needed. 

After we retreated back to our respective bedrooms, Tetsu asked me a question that never occurred to me before that night, but it made me so happy that he was thinking about it. 

“Kumi, by the way, what word would you like me to use to describe your relation to me?” I quickly grew confused before he clarified, “because I don’t think you want to be called my boyfriend, or my girlfriend for that matter.” I quickly realized and thought about it for a minute before answering with what I thought would be best. I was not prepared, but I thought my answer would at least work for now.

“Your partner. Call me your partner,” I told him. A fond smile came onto his face upon hearing the word, and he nodded. 

“I feel like we’ve always been partners in a way, so it feels fitting, don’t you think?” Tetsu asked. I nodded. We’ve definitely been partners forever, just not like this. I, for one, was excited to refer to him as my boyfriend sometime soon. 

We spent the rest of the night rather normally in some ways, but in others, it was completely different. For one, I was sprawled out in his lap when usually we were sitting near each other without touching. Secondly, we’d occasionally kiss different body parts on eachother’s bodies that were nearby while we still went about our activities. I was playing video games while he studied, which was very normal, although he encouraged me to study as well. College entrance exams are no walk in the park. At some point, we both descended into each other's arms and fell asleep, our activities slipping from our hands. That sleep was some of the best sleep of my life, and I could not wait to fall asleep like that again.


	11. A Peaceful Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blissful morning, a simple afternoon, and a discovery to go :)

Waking up in Tetsurou’s arms again was a dream, and it filled me with so much joy that I had no obligation to leave once he woke up. We could just lay there on the futon as long as we wanted, enjoying each other's company. He woke up soon after I did, and this was exactly what we did. I think Tetsu just wanted to stare into my eyes, but I can’t do eye contact for very long. I think he soon remembered how uncomfortable it makes me and just resumed looking at other things. He took his turn running his fingers through my hair this morning. I could only wish that I’d had a chance to brush it because his fingers ran into some tangles. He didn’t seem to mind. He’d be a hypocrite if he did, actually. 

“Do you have any future plans for your hair?” Tetsu asked me suddenly. I quickly came out of my trance of staring at his jawline upon hearing him. The question caught me off guard, but I tried to come up with an answer quick. 

“Not in particular, no. Why?” My voice sounded very quiet and tired. I was grateful that he was so close to me so that he could hear me. He quickly thought about his answer, and a smirk came onto his face soon before he answered. This meant he was going to say something stupid and I was just going to have to suffer. 

“Have you ever thought about growing it out? Ya know, I’ve imagined you in so many different hairstyles with long hair and you look gorgeous in all of them and I think I would gladly die of attraction if I even was blessed with seeing one of them,” he told me, “well, don’t feel pressured to do it or anything. Please do whatever makes you happy, Kumi.” I was definitely not going to grow my hair out purely for my boyfriend’s fantasies, although that was definitely a bonus. The thought of growing it long never occurred to me. All my life I was told I was a boy and that I was supposed to keep it short. Keeping it shorter was good for my lazy tendencies too. I just needed to keep it long enough to shrink my field of vision so that I didn’t get too anxious. I never cared about looks then anyways, but now that I do, long hair is starting to sound really appealing. Sure, it would be more work, but there were also so many possibilities, and it would help keep people confused about my gender too. 

“I’ll think about it,” I told Tetsu. 

“Please don’t do it just because of me. I’m begging you I’m sure you would ruin your hair if it was just that.” 

“Don’t worry. I’d never considered it until now, but now that it’s in my head, I like the idea.” He nodded with a smile. We continued to lay there on the futon enjoying the touch until I found the courage to bring up a question that I’d been meaning to get to all weekend. A lot of stuff kept distracting me from it.

“Tetsurou?”

“hm?”

“... I’ve thought about this a bunch, and I’ve realized that I don’t like everyone calling me Kozume. It just feels too respectful and stuffy. Overall, I just think that the way that age=respect with names here in Japan is stupid and I don’t want to engage in it anymore. You wouldn’t mind if I asked everyone I’m out to to call me Kumi, would you?” I watched him think about this for a minute. I saw some disappointment. I think he liked having something that was almost exclusive to him to call me. I knew he was possessive, so this did not shock me. Then, he suddenly brightened up.

“Alright. I just want you to feel comfortable. I’ll just have to call you Kumichan~.” As soon as I heard the nickname, I blushed profusely. He was going to call me cute all the time... and I was going to feel butterflies in my stomach every single time. I could only hope that I could train myself not to let my cheeks heat up each time. I still would not have it any other way. I chose not to respond to him. He did not need to know that I approved, lest he used it more. I think he could tell how I felt, thankfully. I quickly texted the group chat to let them know of this change.

Cats and Owls

Me: Hey, could you guys please just call me Kumi? I don’t need you to call me Kozume. It feels too formal and stuffy when you guys are my friends. 

Bokuto: Of course!! We just want you to be happy!

Akaashi: Sure thing, Kumi. 

Me: Thanks :)

Akaashi: Any time.

Bokuto: What Kaashi said!!

Once this was settled, Tetsurou and I resumed our cuddle session for as long as we could before it was interrupted by a knock on our door followed by two very familiar voices. 

“Hey hey hey!! You don’t want to waste the day away! Oh wow that rhymed!” Bokuto chimed. 

“Come on, you two. You still need to be productive citizens, ya know,” Akaashi told us through the door. Tetsurou groaned. 

“Do we have to be productive? What if I’d rather cuddle Kumi all day?” 

“That’s exactly what I told you last week when Akaashi was supposed to be packing and you said that was unacceptable! Kuroo move your ass!” Bokuto yelled. I don’t know what came over me, but I found myself whispering in his ear.

“Yeah you better move your ass, Tetsurou.” Tetsu groaned before responding. 

“Ugh fiiiine.” He picked me up and headed for the door, opening it and heading to the kitchen. I didn’t look anywhere else besides Tetsu’s chest as he walked, but I could practically feel Bokuto moping. Oh wait was he whimpering?? That was it. 

“What is it, Kou?” I heard Akaashi ask him calmly. Bokuto hesitated for a second before answering his boyfriend. He must’ve known how ridiculous he would sound.

“Can you carry me like Kuroo carries Ko-Kumi?” Akaashi let out one of his louder sighs at that one. Bokuto was right to want this, it was heaven, and Tetsu’s shirt was super soft. 

“Kou, you are not only taller than me, but also much heavier. As much as I would love to, I am afraid that it is impossible. We can cuddle on the couch instead, which is much comfier.” Bokuto’s face instantly lit up. I was impressed at how terrifyingly well Akaashi knew Bokuto, although I could definitely say Tetsu and I knew each other that well too, if not better. 

“Thanks Keiji you’re the best!” he called before following Akaashi to the couch. This left Tetsu and I alone in the kitchen, wondering what we were even doing in there. 

“We ordered lunch yesterday. It’s your turn to figure it out.” Akaashi told us. We both glared before nodding in submission under Akaashi’s intimidating stare. Akaashi really could be scary sometimes. I could only guess he was trying to keep Bokuto out of the kitchen, and for good reason. 

Tetsu and I made a simple chicken fried rice for lunch (cooking ourselves at his insistence) and it wasn’t bad. The rest of the afternoon was spent in the living room studying. We revelled in each other's company, taking in as much of each other as we could before Akaashi and I had to leave again. We hated spending our last bit of time together like this, but we (well, Akaashi and Tetsu) knew it had to be done. Bokuto and I begrudgingly followed suit. I would’ve fallen behind in my classes if I didn’t. Entrance exams for university are coming up too, and even thinking about them makes me break into a sweat. I really hope that I can make myself study for them once they get closer. Akaashi seemed a bit distracted too. As the afternoon went by, he tapped his pencil more and more against the coffee table. Tetsu even scolded him for it at one point. Once it was time to get packed and say goodbye, I think Akaashi and I both spent more time cuddling our boyfriends than getting things done. It took us at least a half an hour, if not more, to get ready.

This final hug with Tetsurou felt a lot less melancholic than last time. He was now my boyfriend, and therefore I had the perfect excuse to text him a lot, and face time him, although the nights alone were going to suck, especially since I’ve fallen asleep holding him before. We fell asleep holding each other... wow. That’s so amazing. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered in my ear right before we parted.

“I love you too,” I whispered back before planting a kiss on his cheek. After that, I felt so insanely embarrassed from that peck that I quickly ran out of the room, and I could hear Bokuto laughing at that. I’m sorry Bokuto I’m ridiculous. Ugh.

As Akaashi and I walked to his car, a heavy silence hung over us. I knew that Akaashi needed to talk about something, but I didn’t want to pressure him into speaking. Instead, I worked at my psp and tried to calculate what was going on with him at the same time. This wasn’t optimal for my game play, which only frustrated me more. The damn thing was about to die too. It was only once we were both solidly in the car that he started to speak. 

“Kumi.” He said my name with such force and intention that I knew this had to be important. I put down my psp in attempt to show I was listening. I was in no mood to try for eye contact. 

“hm?” Akaashi took a deep breath before he started. 

“I have something important to tell you, and the others too for that matter, but I felt safest going to you first given the subject matter. I’m guessing you already know what this is about now.” I nodded in acknowledgement. So it probably was his gender that he (or they) had been thinking about all weekend. Cool. I like being right. 

“Well, um, I think I might be a demiboy. Do you know that one?” he asked. As soon as I heard the word, I realized how much sense that made with Akaashi’s experience. I nodded to tell him yes. I was really happy that he figured it out. This had probably been tormenting him for a while, and I knew how miserable that could be. I hesitated for a second, trying to figure out to say, but I eventually gave up trying to think about it, knowing that he needed an affirmation as soon as possible. 

“I’m proud of you,” I told him. He looked a little confused as I told him this, and I sighed in defeat and slouched into myself. 

“For telling me,” I added on at the end. I think it took him a moment to process what this meant, but a small smile appeared on his face once he properly processed it. 

“Thank you.” The little dreamy expression stayed on his face as he buckled his seatbelt and stuck his key into the ignition. I then realized that I had not obtained some crucial bits of information.

“Wait what pronouns would you like me to use? Also do you want to go by a different name?” I asked. This startled him right as he was about to switch the car into reverse, but he quickly regained his bearings before answering my question.

“I still feel good about Keiji, although you just call me Akaashi anyways. I think I want to use he/they pronouns.” I nodded in acknowledgement before realizing he probably wouldn’t see it because he was driving, and so I stuck my thumbs up in his mirror, as he was reversing.

“Ko- Kumi! You could’ve gotten us into a crash!” I looked at him confused. What was he talking about?

“You use that mirror to see where you’re going when in reverse. You really know nothing about driving, huh?” Akaashi asked. I just solemnly nodded. I vowed to never mess with people’s driving ever again. He sighed in resignation before resuming our exit of this parking spot. As we drove I still had other questions. I wanted to talk to him about what led him to this point, and about whether he going to tell the others. At the same time, I felt so tired from being around people all weekend that all I had the energy for was to sit there serenely staring out the windshield as Akaashi drove us home. We talked about it later over text. It was much less exhausting, although I was also distracted by my playstation so that conversation was slow. It was what I needed. 

Tetsu facetimed me the next day, and the day after that, and every day we were apart after that. We texted each other I love you every night as well. Being separated was still difficult, but these little things gave me a sense of peace. I was going to see him again, and if I studied hard, I could go to his college too. I looked to the future with stars in my eyes as I attempted to open the tight, dusty door that is my soul up to the world, removing the mask that has always covered my face. My name is Kozume Kumi, I am nonbinary, and soon, I will be ready to face the world.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A normal, domestic morning for Kumi and Tetsurou, or is it?

I woke up to the sun blazing through the window of Tetsurou and I’s bedroom. Stupid sun, never letting me sleep. Once I realized Tetsu was not in bed with me, I freaked out. Usually he was still in bed when I woke up even though I woke up later than him (although still exasperatingly early because the bastard refuses to get black out curtains). In a way, it was nice that he prevented my sleep schedule from going completely haywire. 

When I opened my phone, I saw it was saturday, meaning he did not have work that morning, so there was no reason for him to not be in bed with me. This concerned me because distancing himself from me was usually what he did when he was in a bad mental place, so I rushed out of bed and into the kitchen only to find him in the kitchen with batter in his hair. 

“Tetsu! You scared me...” He realized what I meant after a second and flinched. 

“Oh.. sorry, love. Well, surprise! I’m making us pancakes for breakfast!” he exclaimed. I instantly brightened at the mention of pancakes; he knew they were a favorite of mine. He did not usually do things like this so early in the day, though, so it felt a bit off. Was he up to something? 

I sat at our breakfast bar (not to be confused with the breakfast bar in Tetsu and Bokuto’s old apartment) as he finished making the pancakes and played my switch. I was determined to master the controls of the newest version of Mario kart. He whistled a familiar tune as he finished cooking the food, but I couldn’t pick up on what it was. We were both in a good mood, simply content in eachother’s presence. I could probably spend a million mornings like this, a million more caressing Tetsu’s face in the soft glow of the rising sun. 

The pancakes themselves were marvelous, not just good. Tetsu’s cooking skills have greatly improved over the years, and I was proud. He spent most of the meal rambling while I listened, providing reassurance in important places as I used to only wish I had the courage to do. Throughout the meal, I noticed him getting more and more antsy, though I could only wonder what it was. Something was definitely off this morning, but with Tetsu, I knew I would find out in time. He’d learned that telling me was easier than not, and that I’d always have his back after our messy confessions.

“Thank you,” I told him after we finished the meal. His face instantly lit up in a cheery smile. 

“Any time, Kumi-chan!” Right after this, he started to rub the back of his head, another nervous habit of his, so he was probably about to spill the beans. My mind relaxed at the thought. I hated being in the dark. 

“Uh, Kumi, thank you for being here. You’ve stuck by my side and cared for me through my highest and lowest moments, all throughout everything. I want to continue doing the same for you forever, so..” Tetsu then got down on one knee and I suddenly knew exactly what was going on. I became a blushing mess out of complete shock. 

“Will you marry me?” He pulled a ring box out of the pocket of his blue plaid pajama pants, opening it to reveal a simple silver band with our names engraved inside. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. Marriage was the last thing on my mind, but the thought of tying the knot with Tetsurou just felt so sappy and romantic and it made my heart go aflutter. I tried to regather my bearings and formulate a response the best that I could. Even if he didn’t look it, I knew Tetsu was probably super nervous. 

“Tetsu, I, getting married never really occurred to me, being together forever has just become a given to me, though yes, I would love to marry you.” It took awhile for me to feel this comfortable in the relationship, but after years of figuring it out, I knew Tetsurou and I would definitely last. I could feel myself smiling, and I’m sure that made Tetsu even happier. He knew how rare smiles were from me. Even my answer to the proposal made him ecstatic. 

“Yes yes!!” he exclaimed, doing a cute little happy dance before slipping the ring on my finger. I smiled down at it, for it was perfect, and this morning was wonderful.

“You like it?” Tetsu asked, and I nodded enthusiastically before clinging onto him in the normal fashion. He wrapped his arms right back around me before heading to our sleek black couch and sitting down. He soon saw the time from the tv box and realized that I was going to be late to my stream. I felt him jump before he told me. 

“Your stream is in five minutes, love.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he told me. After finally coming out to everyone in my life during my first year of college, I felt comfortable enough to start posting gaming videos on youtube and doing streams on twitch. I receive tons of hate comments for my gender and sexuality on a daily basis that I know the old me would not be able to handle, but I know those people are just transphobic dickwads and I can mostly just push through it. It will still bring me down when it gets bad sometimes, but I have a good support system of people who care about me and I can get through it. 

“I just got engaged. They can just suffer,” I whispered into my fiancé’s ear. He sighed in contentment and pulled me closer, making my heart feel so warm. I wanted to thank whoever invented domestic bliss. My heart felt so warm, and my life was finally starting to feel like nothing was missing. I hope that this can go on for infinity. May it never ever end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi thank you so much for reading this! I apologize for any inconsistencies in formatting or with grammar. I will do my best to go back in here and fix them soon! I would love to hear your thoughts so feel free to comment them! Have a fantastic day!


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